The strength of humans is our ability to see patterns. Not only can we recognize them, we feel compelled to find them, to discover the reasons behind the reasons that every facet of life works the way it does. We even see patterns when they’re not really there. In some cases we’ve been extraordinarily successful. We understand enough about the natural world to harness electricity to light up and connect the world, and we use the properties of gravity to build enormous structures that stagger the imagination. We even manipulate the very atoms that surround us to make our world safer, more pleasant to look at, easier for us to live in.
But what we don’t really understand is ourselves. We’ve spent more time examining “the human condition” than probably any other subject. People, as a whole, are so flawed and seemingly unpredictable, that we want to know why it is that we do everything we do. There have got to be rules, we think, shouldn’t there? And I think I’ve stumbled upon something that might lead us in the right direction.
The idea started to coalesce after my daughter was born. As a baby, at first she couldn’t do much. Everything she did, everywhere she went, was dictated by her parents. Once she started being able to move around and grab things, I noticed that she would often try for the biggest object she could reach for, regardless of what it was. And if she could get it to make some kind of noise, so much the better. I realized that the object itself was largely irrelevant. What she wanted was the effect: the noise, the change she could create in her environment.
She wanted to have control over something, because she didn’t have control over anything else. And the thing is, I don’t believe that changes as we get older.
In this light, life appears to be mostly about levels of control: what we control in our lives, what we feel comfortable in allowing others to control for us, and what we choose not to exercise control over at all. One of the biggest paradoxes of life is why people do things that are physically and emotionally dangerous. Many people go out of their way, and against all logic, to put themselves in horrible situations that they have been in before. And this idea, the one of control, explains it. A person who jumps out of an airplane does so only when they’re convinced they have control over how fast – or slow --they hit the ground. A person who was abused as a child is more likely to be an adult abuser themselves, because it’s the only way (at least in their minds) to take back the power – the control – that they lost. They might not even be consciously aware of why they’re doing it.
Hoarders? They have a heightened level of need for control, and look to do it by hanging onto every possession, no matter how trivial. Gossips? They want to control information, and maybe the opinions of others while they’re at it. People-pleasers? They seek to influence how people think, in particular about them. And, as always, the pendulum swings the other way too. Substance addicts are all about losing control, not being responsible for a while. It’s a very seductive level of existence. After all, more people than not use some kind of mind-altering substance to “unwind” or “blow off steam” on a regular basis. Not to mention that there are plenty of high-power executives who have such responsibility in their professional lives that they will gladly pay someone to take all semblance of control away from them during their off hours.
Then there’s the third option: deciding not to attempt to assign control at all. I’ve been told repeatedly by my wife, family, and friends that I have the ability to recognize things that I have no control over, and not give them a second thought. They seem to think that this is a good trait to have, since it decreases my overall level of stress. I tend not to fret over politics, overseas strife, and “the future” in general. I’d agree with them, it if weren’t for the assumption that goes along with this… that I’m a good judge of what things I can affect, and what I can’t. I’m sure that there are whole rafts of things that never cross my mind because I can’t imagine that anything I do will change them, and I doubt there are any people who have changed the course of history who thought that way.
Of course, what I’m describing are extremes, but don’t all of us have this attribute, even if it’s in smaller degrees? It’s only a problem when one particular need for control – or need for the lack of control – becomes the main motivation behind most of your daily actions. That’s when your ability to function in society becomes impaired.
Help me figure out if this theory holds water. Take a moment to think about all the things you feel you must do during the day, and the things you’re perfectly comfortable with letting someone else do. Somewhere along the line, you’ve decided that some issues need your direct control, and others can be left to someone else, or be ignored altogether. Are there any obvious holes in this?
No comments:
Post a Comment