Sunday, December 9, 2012

Why Gay is Great

I've been meaning to write on this subject for a long time, but it wasn't until recently, mostly because of the presidential election, that I've figured out what's been defining my thoughts on it. It all comes down to this: the reason we continue to have problems with human rights in this world is, ironically, caused by the thing that causes civilization to exist at all.

People are social animals. And by grouping together in order to survive, there is immediately put into place the most basic of definitions: *you* are part of my group, *you* are not. And that, I think, is the root of all prejudice. But the world, as they say, is moving on. We're no longer restricted to being part of one social group our entire lives (I think I read once that the ideal sustainable number of people in one's social circle is 150). As you mature, you find yourself working with, living alongside, and having to get along with a more diverse spectrum of people. And, as I hope we've all started to notice, the best way to realize that we're all pretty much the same is to get to know people who you think are fundamentally different than you.

What I'm talking about in particular today is homosexuality. Even in the society that I like to think we're living in today, it's the most pervasive prejudice there is, beyond skin color or religion. And do you know why I think that is? Because of lack of empathy. Think about it: the second most divisive aspect of our lives is religion, but even if a person hates those of a different faith, they at least understand the concept, based on the fact that they have beliefs, too.

Homosexuality is harder, because the people who aren't gay have it hardwired into their DNA to *not* *understand* what it means to be gay. I'll have to take myself as an example, and understand that what I'm about to say comes from my own perspective... I don't find men sexually attractive, in any way. I have no idea what it is that makes men attractive in that way to other men, or to women for that matter. Just no concept. Based on how I have seen others reacting, I can kind of extrapolate which men are going to be perceived by the general public as handsome (and am right probably 75% of the time), but that's all it is: extrapolation. When it comes to male beauty, there's just a hole in my psyche. It’s sort of like the feeling you get when you hear the punchline of an inside joke that you’re not part of. You might be aware of it, you might hear about it every day, but you’re never going to truly understand it. And that's as it should be, for the most part. I'm evolutionarily driven to procreate, and the best way to do that is to make me attracted to women exclusively. For me, and most other heterosexual males, it’s an open and shut case. Never the twain shall meet.

Like I stated at the beginning, the problem that I see is one of empathy. If you're not gay, then gay love is at worst, physically repulsive, and at best, just kind of baffling. But you don't have to know what it feels like to know that it's just as valid as the ridiculous things you think of in your most romantic hetero moments, too. The trouble is, that it’s a long step into this kind of empathy, and I'm not entirely sure that everyone is wired to take it.

There's always some argument for the intolerant to hide behind:

"Adopting the gay lifestyle is a choice." I think everyone, now that the stigma is starting to lift and everyone under the age of fifty have gay friends in their social circle, is waking up to the fact that you're about as able to control your sexual orientation as you are able to control your eye color. There is no "gay lifestyle" (just like there isn’t a “gay agenda”, by the way -- unless you mean promoting tolerance, which is just as much a no-brainer as promoting racial tolerance). There are almost as many ways for people to live their lives as there are actual people. It’s just a term used to make it sounds like it’s a choice, something that *isn’t* programmed into our DNA, and just as strong as heterosexuality. If your child is straight, no amount of glamorization of this potential "gay lifestyle" they could be living it up in is going to sway them. They're going to be just as unmoved by it as you are... that is, unless they really are gay. All it takes is a frank conversation with a real live gay person to find out that they’ve always been gay, and never “chose” it.

"The Bible says it's unclean." It also says you can't eat shrimp. They carry equal punitive weight. (Side note: there was a picture going around the Internet earlier this year of a young man who had the oft-quoted anti-gay Leviticus verse tattooed onto his arm... guess he didn't read the rest of the chapter, where it also tells you not to deface your body in exactly the way he did.) Things change, and I defy you to find one religious denomination that doesn't cherry-pick their "do"s and "don't"s, no matter how literally they take their religious text. Homosexuality should be just as skimmable as residing in the same dwelling as a menstruating female.

“Homosexuality is an evolutionary dead-end, and thus unnecessary.” Nature is, by definition, the most complex thing there is, and the fact that people think they can fully comprehend it is astonishing to me. Look at it this way: there are checks and balances everywhere in nature to prevent overpopulation. Food chains, predator/prey symbiosis, etc. Now, suppose I told you that there was a way to prevent human overpopulation, but it also allowed all people to live lives that are as physically and emotionally rich as those who can biologically procreate? You’d think that would be a good evolutionary step forward, wouldn’t you? Well, homosexuality fits that bill really nicely. Evolution gets it right again!

"Legitimization of gay relationships is a slippery slope, leading toward people marrying animals." This comes up more often than you would think. And I suppose, if there are actually people out there that you consider to be no better than animals, then this argument holds some sort of weight for you. If not, you at least have to admit that it's pretty damn funny. Are there really enough people out there who *want* to marry animals that this comes even within spitballing distance of getting legislated? And exactly what red flags wouldn't go up if someone tried this, regardless of whether that state had legalized gay marriage?

Every argument against homosexuality, however it's cloaked, comes down to four simple words: "I don't get it." And therein lies the biggest problem. Straight people don't understand homosexuality on its most basic level, which is simply loving someone of the same sex. Not only that, but they are specifically wired *not* to. And I suspect the same is true of gay individuals... the only difference is that they know the ins and outs of heterosexuality because it's the basis of about 99.9% of popular culture – the same way I can guess whether Man A or Man B is more likely to be voted The Sexiest Man Alive (and I always found it amusing that they feel they have to throw the “Alive” criterion in there). Social norms have been shoved in their faces since birth, maybe even more strongly once their parents and authority figures began to understand what direction their tendencies lay.

So here's this genetically-derived, uncrossable chasm of ignorance, and I mean that in the classical sense of simply not knowing something. What kind of accord can we come to when such an expanse lies between us? Maybe the answer lies in taking the pressure off marriage as an institution, and the religious implications that it’s always been tied to… Twenty years ago, the sci-fi writer Arthur C. Clarke came up with what I think is a great idea. He suggested that couples, straight or gay, shouldn't get married at all. What we should have ceremonies for, and be legally bound by, is our duty and responsibility to our children, to care for them physically and emotionally until adulthood, and beyond if we see fit. No matter what their strengths are, no matter whom they love, no matter our own relationship failings. That's the one unifying piece of this puzzle; children raised in love, no matter the kind, have a better chance of prospering. I think that's one thing we can all agree on.

Friday, November 30, 2012

The Story of Lily’s First Story

Timing, as we know, is everything. So I don’t know why I’m so surprised that, just a day after posting about my very first story, my daughter should spend some time today dictating to me one of her own. As I said in my previous post, my literary debut was in kindergarten, and she’s only four! She beat me by a whole year!

Here's the setting: we were taking a break from playing in the late afternoon. It had just started snowing for the first time this season, and she had been looking out the front window a lot, watching it fall. I moved on to something else, and before I knew it she had pulled out a little notebook with that Julius monkey on the cover, which she had gotten with a Happy Meal (or a different fast-food establishment's analog) a month or so before. She picked up a mechanical pencil that I had been using earlier and started sketching lines and swirls across most of the pages.

After a while, she handed it to me and started asking me to write down phrases for her. I started on the first page and started trying to keep up as she gave me things to write, after which she would inspect my chicken scratchings. She turned to the back of the book and asked me to draw a McDonald's, which I did, and then she turned to the second-to-last page and told me to write something else down. Over the course of the next twenty minutes, she dictated a story to me, which I dutifully transcribed, progressing backwards through the notebook. I present it here, in its entirety.

WE'RE GOING TO MCDONALD'S by Lily Drummond

McDonald's is the place that they're going.
"We're almost there."
"Didn't I already say that? Because we're almost there but it's far away."
We're far far away now. I don't tell what kind of McDonald's is on the map.
We're still far away.
We're almost there, but we're still far away a little.
We're not here yet.
It's snowing outside!
Now it's raining outside.
Marina and Paul walked down the street.
Paul and Marina got back into the car and then they said, "It's still raining but now it's turning into snow."
"This road is too far for me!" Paul said.
Paul ended up in a place very different. He ended up in Lalaloopsyland.
"Where is this place?" Paul asked.
Spot said, "It's Lalaloopsyland!"
Something really had happened when Mad Finger started to make Lalaloopsyland a chef.
"Oh no! We're going to fall! We're going to crash into a big chef statue!" Paul said.
David is one of the kids. David says, "I'm painting in the car!"
Paul says, "That's funny. Why are you painting in the car instead of in the house?"
"This is going to be my masterpiece!"
Molly, one of the girl kids, said, "My ears are swollen."
Nick will say, "Hey, break our car! We're going to crash at the park. We're going to falllllll..."
Crash!
This is the ending of my story.
Holly Hobbie says, "I thought our garden would be bigger."
Marina says, "Paul, it will take so long that we'll have to go back until we do something."
There's a bee buzzing around our car! Until we see Mad Finger.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!
"Hm. I have to ruin the city until anyone knows."
Peter will say, "I thought we will drive around flowers instead of the road."
Peter's garden had been chewed by a cat.
"And then you're in your pajamas! How did you say that? I thought you didn't!" said Molly.

There you have it. I like how she started to incorporate things she was thinking about at the time she was telling me the story, about the falling snow or her Lalaloopsy dolls or Mad Finger (who you can find out more about in an earlier post). I have no idea who Paul, Peter, and Nick are. She even threw in some elements from a TV show that was going on in the background at the time, the buzzing bee, driving along a road, or the cat that passed through the room.

I don't know if Lily is going to turn out to be a writer. I hope that, by my and Amy's actions, she's getting some idea of how improved your life can be by reading and writing. She’s quite a reader already, and daily stuns me with some of the words she can sound out -- today it was "lionesses", by the way. But just in case, I wanted to make sure that I saved her first attempt at stringing things together herself. I'm just glad I was there to put it down.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

The Collected Works

Maybe it’s because of my recently-passed birthday, and that I am in pretty much the same place I was last year at this time, but I’ve been thinking a lot about Legacy. I mean that as a big idea, the thing that will live on past my lifetime. I think everyone has some idea of what they want it to be, whether it’s their children, their work, or their art. Of course, I’d like to have all three of those things, but what I’m focusing on today is my writing.

Because, you see, I don’t think I’ve used the last year wisely when it comes to writing. I’ve had all this “free” time, but I’ve only written a handful of blog posts, and have hardly worked at all on any sizeable projects. Left to my own devices in an unstructured environment, I do stuff that doesn’t contribute to my writing. Does that mean that I’ll never be able to make it as a full-time writer? Or does that just make me like every other writer out there?

Whether it does or not, I’ve been thinking about all the writing I’ve done in my life. What does it amount to, really? For starters, I can take a look at this very document I’m typing this entry into… it contains all my blog posts so far. But then I got thinking, how much other work do I have? If I created some kind of Norton Anthology of every original work I’ve ever written down, what would it amount to? Well, let’s settle in and break it down, starting with childhood:

It all started with a story I wrote in kindergarten about Woody Woodpecker taking a trip to the moon. I have *no* idea where this came from, since I’ve only ever been peripherally aware of Woody Woodpecker, and never watched the cartoons with any regularity. I think I might have had a digest-size comic book about him back at that time, so maybe that was where it came from. But this was a school project, with illustrations, bound in cardboard covered with brown corduroy. My parents still have it around somewhere. So I was actually a little ahead of the self-publishing curve, wasn’t I?

I don’t think I wrote with any regularity until fourth grade, when I showed my teacher a story I had written. It was only two pages long and had about a dozen chapters (back then, my concept of “chapter” and “paragraph” were pretty much interchangeable), which she liked so much that she started a weekly creative writing workshop for the whole class. The other students’ work consisted mostly of wedging other kids’ names into action stories or talking about dreams they had, but I tried to come up with something interesting each time, even made some attempts at serialized storytelling, where I’d write a chapter a week of a continuing story. Of course, I don’t think I ever wrote a second chapter to any of them. These stories I still have, in a three-ring binder that my parents got me for Christmas that year. They taped a piece of construction paper on the front. They wrote “Stories by Aaron” and a little note on it, saying how enthusiastic they were about them.

In late elementary school, based on my obsessive love for movies (or as obsessive a ten-year-old’s love for them can be) I made some attempts at writing screenplays. These started as scenes and treatments for sequels of movies that I liked (“Tron II” and the nonsensically-named Indiana Jones project “Raiders of the Death Spirit” are the only ones that come to mind.) I didn’t really hit my stride, though, until the sixth grade. A rich but unpopular acquaintance of mine from school dropped the hint that he might be able to get a movie made if I would write it. Looking back, he probably said it as a way to get to hang out with him more (there’s a whole other post I could write about how moving around so much as a child resulted in most of my friends being the kids that everyone else in the school already knew were kind of jerks), but I did actually apply myself and write what came passably close to being a feature-length script. It was called “Under the Full Moon”, and had a definite Indiana Jones influence to it, although the heroes of this one were a pair of brothers (not coincidentally the same age as me and my friend), last name Henderson. There was also an older sister and a mom, and they were all traveling to Wales to find their missing archaeologist father, who was searching for the ruins of Camelot.

In the story, they do find it, but also find that their father has been sacrificed by a cult of devil worshipers who have taken over the ruins out in the wilds of Wales. From there, it turns into a series of revenge action set-pieces, a very Temple-of-Doom scenario. It ends with the vestiges of Camelot being blown up and pretty much ruined even more than they were before, along with the devil-cult. Believe me, it sounds better than it really is.

I remember showing this to my friend who had “commissioned” it, taking his notes and incorporating them into the script. I know that I passed it around my family for reactions, but the only one I can recall is a friend of the family reading it and laughing at some of the jokes. I even ended up approaching the older sister of one of my other friends, and asking her if she’d play the part of the older sister when we got around to filming. But nothing ever happened with it – I’m sure my friend was actually surprised I finished it. We went to the same K-12 school, but because by the time I finished the script he was in sixth grade and I was in seventh, we were based in different buildings and our paths rarely crossed. Eventually I stopped bugging him about it. The experience didn’t stop me from starting a sequel, though. It was called Return of Atlantis, and I honestly don’t remember much about it except that there was a scene where the adventurous Henderson family were thrown out of an airplane, but survived by landing in a backyard swimming pool.

There were other attempts started back in those days, stories based on Dungeons and Dragons (which my brother, cousin and I were into for a brief period), plus an attempt to break the Guinness World Record for longest novel, which I think I got about three pages into before abandoning. It seemed like I wanted everything I started to be an epic, and then gave up when it turned out that I didn’t have anything to say beyond my initial idea.

Also in my filing cabinet is a small collection of poetry I wrote for a project in seventh-grade, although honestly I couldn’t get past the basic requirements. Poetry in general doesn’t interest me, unless there’s something about it that I’m personally invested in. I guess I tend to think that writing in general should flow easily into your mind, almost as if you’re thinking of it yourself. Poetry in general seems to be hard to understand, and more for the writer of it than the reader. There’s great stuff out there, of course (Poe is a good example), but there’s nothing in me that says “Ooh, poetry! Gotta get some of that.” My eyes tend to glaze over as soon as I start reading it.

Eighth grade brought a Composition class, and I still have the writings I did in there… man, are they bad. But it really taught me that I just can’t write under pressure. The inspiration has to come before I can write anything. It can’t be forced. I didn’t find much inspiration between 8th and 11th grades… I remember starting several stories that were either adaptations of movies, or based on videogames I was into. It really seems that during this time I was spinning my wheels, trying to keep my writing muscles toned while not really having much to say.

In tenth grade, I volunteered to write a section of my school music department’s Musical Revue, which was something that they did on alternate years, when they didn’t have a school musical. This was where I first came in contact with Amy, my future wife, since she and a friend of hers had written another section. My own contribution was terrible and had no ending, but it got me into a script-writing mode that I would pursue for more than a few more years.

Another of the participants in that year’s Musical Revue was none other than Javier Grillo-Marxuach, who would go on to be a respected writer for TV shows such as Lost, and creator of cult show favorite The Middle Man, and the musical revue was my first chance working with him. He had started up something in the drama department called Lunchbox Theater, a student-run theater program that produced original plays that were rehearsed, promoted, and performed by students entirely during the lunch hour, at the rate of one about every other week. After Javier’s graduation, I continued working on that program until I graduated, even becoming president of it during my senior year.

During this time, I wrote only one show by myself (“Still of the Night”, a weird, pun-filled comedy about a group of friends getting lost while driving through the desert at night), although I did do a short bit called “Kung-Fu Theater”, in which I said all the cheesy dialogue, and my friends onstage did equally cheesy martial arts fights and moved their lips as I overdubbed their lines. It was quite popular, and a full Lunchbox Theater production was cobbled together around it, so the whole thing took on an SCTV-ish form of late-night TV shows and commercial parodies.

Also in my senior year, I wrote and directed the majority of another Musical Revue. Granted, it didn’t come off as well as planned, but it was my first full-scale production that I helmed. I also wrote the scripts for two silent shorts that I did for a film class, but of course those don’t count because they had no words.

I was working on fiction during this time as well, but as my wife and original reading audience will tell you, I had this tendency to overwrite and run things into the ground. I would focus on one idea, latching onto it and refusing to let it go until I had made every attempt to figure out whether it would work best as a novel, screenplay, stage play… whatever format I could think of, trying to find the one approach that would unlock it, until I was thoroughly bored with it and either unable or unwilling to fix its inherent flaws. I remember, among other ideas that I treated this way: a man who finds that the whole world is a construct, the equivalent of an elaborate stage show, by climbing a high building at sunset and watching the sun being shut off and pulled back through a giant pair of doors. Later, I thought I really had a great idea with three generations of vampires, all living together and eternally young but having entirely different ideas of their places as predators in the world.)

So I went back to the script-writing mode and stayed there for a while. In the mid-90’s I worked on three different projects in that vein, this time aiming for feature-film territory. My plan developed into having three different spec scripts – one completely original, one literary adaptation, and one sequel to an established franchise -- that I could shop around… all are complete, although one still needs a finished second draft and polish.

The Original: Syzygy – The story of a haunted hitwoman named Raven Airheart. She gets an assignment to kill a woman in her hometown, and it turns out to be her husband’s first love. He and the target run off before the hit goes down, and a cross-country chase ensues. I worked on this during spare moments at the Borders book warehouse. The process was fascinating. I essentially wrote the middle first, then had to create a backstory that became the beginning, while at the same time working my way toward an ending. It was a constant juggling of How did I get here? and Where am I going? That ending, though… I was really excited when I first came up with the idea of how to wrap it all up, but now it seems derivative to me, borrowing heavily from Bradbury’s Something Wicked This Way Comes and Orson Welles’s film The Lady from Shanghai. But overall, I think it’s a strong first effort. I actually got it copyrighted and certified by the WGA so that I could submit it to the original Project Greenlight online contest (remember that?), where the first round winners were determined by other competing screenwriters who critiqued it. Reviews were mixed to positive, but it didn’t make it to the second round.

The Adaptation: Next, I made a script of out Tim Lucas’s novel Throat Sprockets (one of my favorite unheard-of novels), set in the pre-Internet 80s, when a man becomes obsessed with a vampire art film that he sees at a local theater by accident. He gets pulled into an underworld of bootleg videos and vampire subculture as, it seems, everyone else in the world slowly becomes obsessed by the film as well. I really liked the way the script developed, becoming something that was actually quite different in tone than the original novel, although parts of it are lifted (mostly the movie-within-a-movie that becomes the main character’s obsession) directly from the novel’s pages.

The Sequel: Alien 4. I was initially dissatisfied with Alien 3, especially the way they killed off all the characters who went through hell and survived the second film of the series. So I turned Part 3 into a symbolic fever dream, and made this what “really” happened after Ripley, Newt, Hicks and Bishop returned to Earth…. It turns out that the Weyland-Yutani Corporation has actually gotten some Alien eggs into their secret labs underneath their massive pyramidal office building. Newt (now a grown woman and going by her given name Rebecca) finds out about this through Hicks, who is subversively working as the building’s head of security. Rebecca gets the assistance of Mimi Yutani, the granddaughter of the Company’s CEO, to smuggle them into the building just as an alien outbreak starts. I really liked the way this shaped up, although the ending and some of the action sequences need additional work.

This isn’t to say that I had given up on short stories altogether. Given some free time and access to the U of M computer lab in the early 90s, I wrote the first of what I consider my “adult” short stories (aside from a little experimental piece called “Pinnacle”), a longish horror piece called “Crucible”, which I worked and reworked so long that it’s surprising that it held together so well. After that, I wrote the first of my Dreamstories, inspired by – and trying as hard as possible to stay true to – actual dreams I’ve had. I can’t imagine how many times I’ve been in a dream, saying “This would make an *awesome* story, or even a novel!” and then wake up and find myself unable to get that feeling back, or even remember much of what happened. So when I get a dream that actually survives being dragged up from the depths into the waking world, I kind of feel the need to preserve it somehow. Up to the present, I have eight of these, and I always find them intriguing, but there’s a saying that there’s nothing as boring as someone else’s dreams, and I leave it to you to decide if that’s true.

I started a journal in 1996, one that I’ve kept up to this day. In the past 16 years, I’ve written about 400,000 words, just outlining the details of each day. I even worked backwards from the present, with the help of my wife and brother’s day planners from the high school years, old school papers, and my parent’s day calendars too. If I can pin down a date something happened, I’ll add it in, even if it’s nothing more significant than setting a record on one of my old Atari games. This endeavor is all saved in digital form, except for a four-year span between 1999 and 2003 where – for some reason – I wrote everything down longhand in blank books. That still has to be transcribed. But it’s the one project that I’m sure I’m going to continue for the rest of my life.

My next half-dozen stories dealt with some weighty issues… death and what’s beyond, if anything. The stories I wrote in the 2000’s dealt a lot with that sort of question. There’s a man who builds the perfect place for Armageddon to start (“12:00 and Holding”), a satirical – and not entirely successful -- piece about Jesus being cloned from his blood on the Shroud of Turin (“The Holy Resuscitation”), and a pioneer woman who has a run-in with a seductive dark angel, in a town perpetually shrouded by smoke from a nearby coal-mine fire (“Moloch”).

Through this time I was finishing my film projects, too, even though as time went on I became increasingly disillusioned with ever getting into the film industry. The dream of the indie film boom of the early 90s – anyone can max out their credit cards and make the next Clerks! – was fading, and the prospect of moving to Los Angeles was impossible. So I switched back to writing prose. At first I tried novelizing my original script Syzygy, but didn’t get far on it. It seems that the ideas I had for the film didn’t translate realistically into fiction. Or maybe I just didn’t find the right tone. At any rate, I abandoned it after a few chapters.

I did, however, embark on something new, a novel that resulted from my desire to write something Big & Important. The questionably-successful result, 28 IF, was the story of two exes spending a day visiting an amusement park and talking. Over the course of the day, they discuss the Big Issues, rekindle their relationship, reveal life-altering secrets, and change their worlds for better or worse, all to the soundtrack of the Beatles’ Abbey Road album. I’m quite proud of it, and I’ve informally submitted it to a publisher, although it came back with the note that there’s a lot of talking but not enough *happens* in it. That’s fair, and I always knew that even if I wrote the best novel in the world, the necessity of including all of Abbey Road’s lyrics would be a cost and a hassle no publisher would want to undertake. It’s a little short too, about half the length of your typical novel, which makes it even harder to market.

Also during this time, my cousin, who also dabbles in writing, started a round-robin story with me where we would each write a short chapter (about 500 words), then send it to the other. We ended up writing about 40 or 50 chapters, and a pattern soon emerged: my cousin would write something crazy and tangential, and I would spend my chapter finding a way to work it into the existing narrative. It eventually morphed into a story about an enchanted watch that opened an alternate dimension, and a hero who has to stop a real-life version of the Tasmanian Devil. He ends up getting caught up in a war between armies that use giant talking spiders for steeds. Yeah, it’s weird. And it might be lost to time, forever trapped in the amber of floppy disks that I may have already thrown out. Although I do remember one low-budget Christmas when I printed out the entire story for my cousin… he says he’s digging through his archives to see if he can find it.

Shortly after I finished 28 IF, I tried to keep my momentum going by starting on another novel, with the working title “Tints of Dead”. It’s based loosely on Poe’s “The Masque of the Red Death”, which I love as a bit of surreal, existential horror. In that short story, a prince shuts himself and his loyal subjects in his castle to save them from a plague that is ravaging the country. He sets everyone up in a suite of rooms, each themed with a particular color, and stages a constant masquerade party to keep everyone’s mind off the horror outside. In my story, people are invited to an exclusive nightclub, which is centered around (like Poe’s story) an imposing grandfather clock. They select animal masks, then get locked in and introduced to their host, whose motives on how and if they’ll get to go home are unclear… I got about 34,000 words into it and then ran out of steam, unsure of how to structure the back half. Actually, I had the structure thanks to Mr. Poe, but how I’m going to change it and make it work for me, I haven’t figured out.

It was during this time that I realized my personal pattern for writing stories… I seem to gravitate toward a linear, real-time story, based on another work that I admire (Abbey Road, the Poe story, etc.). It seems to be the only way I can last for anything approaching a novel’s length, like training wheels. I’ve got to have some greater framework already existing, for me to drape my own plot over it and have its contours guided. It’s part of the pattern-seeker in me… I like nothing better than when something that appears to be random comes together in a pattern.

Round about 2003 I started something that, for a while, I really thought would be the major writing project of my life…. When I was a kid, I had a collection of at least the first 30 books in the Choose Your Own Adventure Series. (Side note: for a while I actually went to the same school as the son of one of the series’ creators, R.A. Montgomery, although I never tried to get myself invited over.) I have to say that I read them a lot, and even came close to memorizing a few of them. I even remember trying to map them out, to see if there was any pattern or trick to the way the pages were laid out. By the way, there isn’t.

I always had the idea of writing a CYOA in the back of my head, although it seemed more like a kids’ thing. Then I came across a pop culture blog called Robot Skull, which I thought was awesome for the title alone, along with the fact that when you first logged into the site, your computer’s CD tray would open and you would be instructed to “Insert Quarter”. They had a neat feature on the site where the author had written the first chapter of a CYOA, and then invited people to write the next chapter to either of the choices he provided. Every new chapter would have two possible choices, and then could be added to by any other reader, ad infinitum. I have to say, I tried it once and then couldn’t stop. Before I knew it, I had filled out four branches off of one of the choices, which meant that I had written 16 mini-chapters before I even knew what was happening. At that point, I copied down what I had posted and used them to start my own CYOA. Over the next year, it actually turned into a pretty massive project. I completed the first 8 levels, following every possible choice (which means 256 chapters = 2 to the power of 8), and I followed the most promising chapters even farther than that, down to levels 11 or 12.

I had dreams of somehow parlaying this project into something that could actually net me some profit. I had visions of micro-charging readers for each time they started at the beginning, just a couple cents. Or publishing it in an actual book (remember, this is back when such a thing was actually in the realm of possibility, although I know no book company would actually undertake it now), something massive and leather-bound with multiple bookmark ribbons in the spine so you could keep track of your previous choices, which would make backtracking easier -- something I always found annoying with regular CYOA titles.

But, like so many other projects, it lost steam after a while, mostly because by definition it has no end. Like I said, my intention was always to put down the first idea that came into my head, and it turns out that the first idea isn't always the best. And each chapter, good or bad, then has to spawn a possibly infinite array of further chapters. But, I have to admit, for a while it was great fun to work on. I don't think I've ever made myself laugh so much at my own ridiculous imagination. I still go back to it from time to time -- it currently logs in at about 110,000 words, inching close to actual novel length.

I didn't really tackle any big projects again until a few years ago. While working at Borders, I realized what a dearth of paranormal romance titles there were. It seemed like they were coming out daily, a growing pile of tales about werewolves, vampires, demons, and magic-wielders set in contemporary settings. I wondered if I could do the same thing and dash off a clever little twist on a classic monster living in the modern world. Of course, the first thing a writer should be taught is not to write in order to make money, but in this case I did -- and ended up with something that will eventually, I think, turn out to be much more interesting.

I decided to make it a romance between a human and demon. I knew there were plenty of stories like this out there, but they always take place on earth. Mine takes place in Hell. I thought that would be my "in", my way to set it apart. So then I had to figure out why this human was in Hell, what he had done to get there, and how Hell itself works. You know, determining a just, fitting, and fresh method of eternal punishment for sinners isn't all that easy. I ended up with a sort of version of the Circles of Dante's Inferno, but rejiggered to use the seven deadly sins to form the hierarchy of the various levels. And for a plot, I used a standard quest device... although the goal this time is The Answer to the Eternal Question of the Meaning of Life (yes, that thing again). The hero -- if you can call him that -- thinks the whole idea of Hell is terribly unfair and pointless, and sets off to descend through the levels to confront Satan and demand some kind of explanation. That's how he comes across a female demon who seems to want the same thing.

As it stands, the couple (along with small band of travelers they’ve accumulated) have made their way into the eternal war being waged in the Circle of Wrath, and are just starting to come to terms with the fact they're falling in love. The strange thing is, the idea of constant war is one of the first I had when starting the book, and now that I've arrived, I don't quite know how to proceed. The way Hell works has been firmly established, but I'm not sure what the characters are going to learn about where they are, or how they're going to pass through it. I’ve settled on the title “Nadir”, showing my penchant for using relatively obscure words for titles, which is sure to infuriate any future publicists.

Around the time my daughter was born, I kind of stopped working on my big projects and focused on the smaller ones, mostly blog posts, little bite-size pieces that didn't take a lot of concentration to complete, as opposed to a big book that takes some time to get into every day, figuring out where all the balls you're juggling were when you left off. When there's a baby in the house, there's precious little ability to focus on something that's not right in front of you, or brainspace to process something that's entirely imaginary.

Only in the last few months have I thought of a way of maybe goosing myself into finishing at least one big project. This latest one is about a writers' workshop, a small group called the Wednesday World Forgers who meet every week to share what they're working on and trying to find ways to encourage each other. The one thing they all have in common is that they have varying degrees of writers' block, and the projects they're working on are -- you might have guessed it already -- my own unfinished works. I'm hoping that in this new story I can somehow get my own characters to solve the problems I've having with each of these projects, and maybe figure out how to complete some or all of them.

There. I think that's the bulk of it. My Complete Works. So if I were to go through and total it all up, how much would it be? Well, let me formulate a list here and then make some guesses, and we'll see what my writing life has amounted to at this point. Approximate word counts follow each:

Kid Books: 20,000
Kid Poetry: 1,000
Kid Scripts: 10,000
School Papers: 7,000
Adult Scripts: 60,000 (Syzygy, Throat Sprockets, Alien 4)
Adult Stories: 94,000 (24 short stories)
Borders.com Reviews: 5,000 (customer reviews informally written for the website I worked for)

Novels (complete and incomplete):
28 IF: 72,000
Nadir: 105,000
“Tints of Dread”: 34,000
Wednesday World Forgers: 5,000

Ongoing Projects:
Life Journal: 378,000
Ultimate CYOA: 110,000
Blog posts: 31,000

So all added up, that's somewhere in the neighborhood of 932,000 words, or the equivalent of 3,728 pages, which is about 25 novel-length books.)

Holy crap, maybe I am a writer after all.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Today, I Still Believe

Back in January 2009, on the day of President Obama’s first inauguration (even before I started this blog), I wrote the following piece, high on a specialized kind of adrenaline that only overwhelming national pride can provide. It was titled “Today, We Believe”. It went like this:

“I just couldn't let the day go by without writing down some thoughts about it... I was born less than a year before the Watergate scandal, and I think something changed about America during those days. From then until now, political cynicism and pessimism have been the norm, and the true aim of our government -- giving help, liberty, and a voice to the American people -- has been drawn off course. There have been precious few beams of light in the thirty-six years since then, and I have never lived in a world where the government wasn't something to be skeptical of, something to always be on guard about, something that had to be fought against to make things change for the better.

“But today, at least for one day, that feeling has changed.

“In the last week, I've seen more Americans excited about the direction their country is taking than I have in my entire life. I've seen patriotic songs sung without a trace of irony, and a hope on peoples’ faces that isn't already tempered by a lifetime of disappointment. Today we can sense a chance to start over, for all those hopes for our future to be rekindled anew.

“This is all because one particular man takes his seat at the head of our national table. Now that he's our President, we have another chance to make America what it always could have been. Maybe it's beyond something one man can do -- in fact, I know it is. It very well may be that so many dreams pinned to one man will prove to be a burden that no one can possibly carry. Maybe we'll all end up disappointed yet again by the ponderous weight of this thing we call our government. But in spite of all this, there's one thing that's different... as a country, we never really collectively believed that things could be any different.

“But today, we believe. And that's exactly what it takes to give it a chance at being true.”

Fast forward almost four years, to an election night that was anything but certain, when the country was still struggling to come back from the same financial crisis that Obama had inherited in his first term. With bin Laden dead and our overseas wars either ended or winding down, the economy was the issue in the front of everyone’s minds. The current administration had successfully bailed out the auto industry, salvaged the housing market, and implemented a type of national health care that included more people than ever before.

The election should have come down to one big question: Do you think that our continued recovery can be handled better? And if so, should we change tactics midstream?

However, there were portions of this country that were focusing elsewhere. Instead, they were asking questions like: Is the current President really a native-born citizen/Muslim/communist? (yes, no, and no) Has he added more to the national deficit than any other president? (no) Has this president failed to fulfill his promises of economic recovery (ignoring the fact that economy recovered *at* *all*)? And even if the answers to those questions were definitively answered, they would continue to be asked as if they hadn’t.

Because, you see, these same factions had been trying to use the state of the nation’s media to its own ends: say whatever you need to, leave it to the fact-checkers play catch-up, knowing that most people won’t hear anything beyond the initial sound bite. Move on to the next thing, never backtracking to correct or retract what you’ve said, however false it may be. Rely on the 24-hour news cycle to provide the next shiny object to distract. Never admit (even to yourself) that anything you’ve done or said was incorrect, or that you’re going to win by anything less than a landslide.

In the midst of all that, my faith has been reaffirmed. Because the majority of the American public saw through these tactics, and kept the current president in office. After all the rhetoric, false arguments, and half-truths, the majority of this nation (which, ironically, is proven more than ever to be a collection of minorities) listened to it and said, “Nah, we’re going to keep backing this guy.” The alternative was either too shady or too deluded to vote for.

And that’s what I believe now. In a way, it’s an even better victory than it was the first time. Four years ago, I believed in the power one man can wield. Today, I believe in the power that all of us, collectively, can wield.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Diary of a Mad Finger

Here’s another one of those posts about Lily. Sorry, folks, but there are just some things that I’ll want to remember years down the line. Hopefully, you’ll find this one at least a little entertaining.

Early on, Lily started playing with her fingers as puppets. I’m not sure how many kids do this, although I recall that my brother and I did use our hands as puppets for quite a while when we were kids. Anyway, she would often amuse herself at mealtimes by having her fingers walk around, have conversations with each other, and run races around and between her plates and cups. Eventually this kind of play led her to wanting my fingers to interact with hers, and a sort of cast of characters quickly became established. Let me introduce you to them:

Index: Dad Finger – while Lily’s fingers are almost always kids, my index is their dad
Middle: Mom Finger – serves the same purpose as Dad Finger, and actually the two are kind of interchangeable. Actually, f only one “parent” is present, it’s always the index
Ring: Doctor Finger – After experiencing a few trips to the hospital when she was younger (and what kid doesn’t), Lily regularly began working injuries into her play, and often dolls or other characters would fall off something and have to be taken to the hospital, where “Doctor Finger” gives them a check-up and an X-ray, then puts a bandage on them or gives them a shot and sends them on their way. This is one of my favorites… because let’s be honest, “Doctor Finger” is just fun to say.
Pinky: Baby Finger – The child of Mom and Dad Finger… only talks in baby-sounds (like “meh”, which Lily finds hilarious). The only weird part about this is that Mom and Dad Finger can’t actually touch their child… try having your index and middle fingers give your little finger a “hug”, and then let me know if you can figure out a way to do it without spraining anything.
Thumb: King Thumb – This rarely-seen character is the ultimate voice of authority, and only shows up when some sort of official declaration has to be made

So that’s how it works. Now comes the interesting part. Lily, for her part, doesn’t have a regular cast of characters for her own hand, save for one. At any moment while we’re playing, either one of her index fingers can become “Mad Finger”, a kind of mildly malevolent force that throws wrenches into the plans of her other toys. When they might be trying to build something or go somewhere, the Mad Finger might suddenly pop up and announce “The door is locked!” or “You can’t go in there!” in a deep voice… or at least, as deep as Lily can muster at four years old.

The Mad Finger also has some magical powers as well, mostly in the form of “magic glue”, which will keep a door or other opening barred even after the Mad Finger leaves. One of her most clever ideas with this happened when we were playing with her mini Lalaloopsy figurines and their little dollhouse… while one of them was using the little green-string “garden hose” to water her garden, the Mad Finger came along, took the hose, stuck the nozzle in the second-story window, then closed the shutters and fastened them with magic glue, so that the hose would flood the entire upstairs of the house. It took the rest of the Lalaloopsys a good half hour to first, evacuate all their pets up to the attic so they wouldn’t get wet, and second, figure out how to open the shutters to get the hose out. I can’t remember exactly how a solution was reached, but eventually things do work out, often with Mad Finger having a change of heart and undoing what’s been done.

Lately, Mad Finger has been working his/her/its way into our bedtime stories too. While I’m reading to her, Lily will stick her finger alongside the page, making her index finger part of the story. In these cases, Mad Finger doesn’t want to cause trouble, just to be included, so I’ll find myself adding him into the story: “I do so like green eggs and ham! Thank you, thank you, Sam-I-Am… and Mad Finger.”

I suppose on the surface, the whole concept might seem a little reminiscent of “Tony” from The Shining, with little Danny crooking his finger and growling “Danny’s not here, Mrs. Torrance.” (shudder) But this doesn’t seem to be anything like that. And I’ve formulated a theory about it…

Storytelling is about conflict. There’s always a problem that has to be overcome, some common cause for the cast of characters to work together for. And up until recently, the worlds that Lily has gravitated toward really haven’t had characters that regularly work contrary to the goals of the rest. When I look at the worlds she’s enjoyed so far, starting with Fisher-Price people, then moving on to Littlest Pet Shop, Lalaloopsies, and Strawberry Shortcake, all the characters involved have been friends. There are no “bad guys”, just friendly characters who work together. And since Lily has only just started to make characters’ feelings be the central point of the story – what can we do to make so-and-so feel better, why are those two characters not getting along – she’s needed some kind of external force to get the plot going. That’s where Mad Finger comes in.

Lately I’ve been trying to delve a little deeper into the psychology of Mad Finger… when Lily’s not particularly sleepy and I’m putting her to bed, MF will show up just to make his presence known, and maybe get me to stick around in Lily’s bedroom for a little while longer while I talk to him. Once he told m that he has a family, a mom and dad and a sister, and that they’re all “nice”. Apparently, he’s the only one in his family who’s Mad. In the past, whenever I’ve asked him what he’s mad about, he won’t have a clear answer: “I don’t know. I just am.” Lately, in discussions about his family, he’s been saying that he was “just made that way”. I suppose there’s something there to be understood about a child’s mind, and how good and bad are absolutes with no reason behind them. They’re just “that way”. It’s not until later that you understand that even people who do “bad things” think they’re the right thing to do, it’s just their perspective that is skewed.

It’s interesting how Mad Finger continues to persist, even when “bad guys” are starting to become more present in Lily’s imaginary worlds… the recent reboot of The Electric Company and even Care Bears have characters whose actions cause the conflict of the stories. I suppose eventually Mad Finger will be phased out for more malevolent characters. For now, though, I’m kind of impressed how Lily has managed to go from just playing with characters to constructing stories about them, stories that necessarily need some kind of problem introduced. I don’t think that she had any experience with these kinds of stories before she created Mad Finger… is it possible that she just somehow instinctively *knew* that such a character needed to be introduced?

Sunday, July 15, 2012

The VHS Years

For many people of my generation, the golden age of record stores is best encapsulated by the 1995 film Empire Records, where an ensemble cast full of tomorrow’s stars (Liv Tyler! Renee Zellweger! Um, Anthony LaPaglia?) managed to lovingly re-create every music-obsessed stereotype that has ever existed – that is, back in the days when music was an active hobby, something that you had to leave the house and seek out, rather than something that was you could lie back and have flung at you every minute of every day (not that that’s a bad thing!). I never worked in a record store, but I did spend several years in another relic of the analog days – video rental stores. Since it’s going to be a while until someone chronicles their last days in an eloquently nostalgic way, I thought I’d try to do it myself.

My history with the medium of videotape starts back in summer, sometime in the mid-80s, during a routine visit to my parents’ small hometown in Ohio. My cousins’ family, while they lived on and maintained a farm outside of town, were often the first to have the latest of that decade’s revolutionary tech… They gave me my first post-Atari home video game experience with their Commodore 64. I heard my first CD at their house (the overture to Phantom of the Opera, which really impressed me), and they were the first I knew to have a VCR. It was a gray-and-red, top-loading Sherman tank of a machine, about the size of a small microwave. My brother and I would watch the pre-Special Edition of the exploding Episode IV Death Star over and over (because we *could*!), along with an inspired bit of Terry Gilliam animation from a Monty Python film, where a humming man nonchalantly applies shaving cream to not only his chin but his entire head, which he then (equally nonchalantly) cuts off with his straight razor. It was the most hilarious thing we knew of at the time, and we exercised the rewind, freeze-frame, and slow-motion with impunity. It was a watershed moment… us kids suddenly had some kind of interactivity with the movies that had been like a parade until that point. We had only been able to wait for and watch go by passively, and now we were in control.

Back in those days, like most families, we didn’t actually own a VCR like my cousins. Instead, every other weekend we’d withdraw $200 of cash from our savings account, trot down to the local video store and put down a deposit for a VCR for the weekend, along with about five movies. Once we got the forty pounds of machinery home and figured out how to rig it to our television, we had reached a state of breathless anticipation. And it wasn’t until the first movie logo came up on the screen, that it felt like the weekend had truly begun. I remember only a few of the movies we all watched that summer: Romancing the Stone, Return of the Jedi, and a filmed Broadway performance of Pippin are the few I can clearly recall. But my affair with movies was well underway.

The next step in my film education came in early 1988, shortly after my sixteenth birthday. You see, in those days you had to have a driver’s license to get a rental card from the local video store. Once you had one, they generally didn’t try to enforce the no-R-movies-unless-you’re-seventeen rule, so getting my hands on am-I-sure-I-can-handle-this? “hard-R” movies like Hellraiser and Robocop was suddenly something that was casually possible. I remember walking into my local store and looking at the long rows of seemingly every movie ever made, so stuffed to the gills that most of the movies were turned diagonally on the shelves so they all could fit.

The place where I started my exploring was called Video Watch, part of a chain of about seven stores spread throughout the Ann Arbor-Ypsilanti area, run by Iranian immigrant Ray Sumon and his brothers (I know this because I eventually was in their employ for a total of about three years). I started watching everything I could get my hands on; the genre hardly mattered. What also helped matters was that Amy and I started dating not long into 1988. Watching movies became our thing, and we did in almost ridiculous amounts. I wanted her to watch all my favorites, she wanted me to watch all her favorites, and there was a steady stream of new releases coming out all the time. It was two new worlds opening up at the same time, and it was thrilling.

I originally applied for a job at Video Watch because I was out of money. In early 1990, I was living at home while in my first year at the University of Michigan, and at the end of the previous summer I had quit my high school job shelving books at the local library in order to focus on my studies. I lived the poor-student life for a whole semester, learning such facts as a Wendy’s junior bacon cheeseburger and a water could get you a decent meal for $1.29. But being used to having spending money, and still wanting to go out with my friends and girlfriend made it impossible to resist the temptation to get another job. I applied for a job at the closest Video Watch to my house and started almost immediately.

Suddenly I was working every day in a place where I had staggered through as a slack-jawed spectator only two years before. The hours were late (VW made a point of staying open until midnight every night of the year), but the perks were great… two free rentals *every day*, with the caveat that you had to wait until the newest releases had been out for two weeks. In the five months that I worked there, I got a quick education in how small businesses worked.

Contrary to just about every other business I can think of, holidays were the busiest for us, Thanksgiving and Christmas especially, and we made it a point to be open when families gathered, ran down the checklist of whatever holiday traditions they had, and still had an afternoon and evening to kill. Also, the worse the weather got, the better business was. Snowy or rainy Fridays turned out to be especially lucrative. Unfortunately, our location was not conducive to bad-weather shopping; our tiny strip mall was up on the side of the hill, and the sloping driveway proved challenging in any season. I was in more than one almost-collision there myself. But we’d often clear $3000 in rentals on such days ($3, 2 for $5), and considering that the store was about the size of a bank’s branch office, the press of humanity was often impressive. The majority of people would come after 5:00 and wouldn’t trail off until well after 11, probably a result of our proximity to U of M’s North Campus.

The name of the manager who hired me was Dave, and he had been one of the first people the Sumon brothers had brought on when setting up their chain, probably due to his belief in the future of the industry. He believed that he had gotten in on the round floor of a career that would carry him comfortably to retirement. Ah, the days when videotape appeared to be the end-all of technology. And with business as strong as it was in those years, who could blame his optimism?

Another strange thing about the basics of the business was that in those days, when a video was first released, it would typically retail for $80-$100. This wasn’t due to any production or promotion cost that I could see… it seemed to be priced that way solely to drive the rental industry. This is my assumption, based on the fact that this pricing model didn’t start right away -- I believe 1986’s Platoon was touted as the first video to hit $100 retail. But early on, the movie studios and the rental stores must have staked out a symbiotic relationship, and it makes sense… why sell a video to a consumer for $20, when you can sell it to a business for $100, who can then turn around and rent it out dozens of times? We had a feature on our computer system that tracked each tape’s rental history and said how much money we made on it, and there were more than a few (and granted, they were mostly porn) that we had made hundreds, if not upwards of a thousand dollars on).

And that brings up a point… yes, aside from videos and Nintendo games, we rented pornography. It was a simple decision, really. Price points were lower, there were more turnovers per copy because it didn’t seem to matter if the titles were the newest releases, and our biggest competition (i.e. Blockbuster) didn’t carry them. At the time, Blockbuster wasn’t even renting unrated or NC-17 titles like Scorcese’s The Last Temptation of Christ. As a company, we took it as a point of pride not to dictate what people could and couldn’t watch in the privacy of their own homes. The “adult” section was in a separate, walled-off area near the back of the store, accessible only through a pair of creaky bat-wing doors. And that area made up about 75% of our traffic on weekdays up until about 3 in the afternoon.

Video Watch’s set-up was basically the same at all locations… there would be a ring of tall shelves that went around the perimeter of the store, which is where the “new releases” were kept. And by “new” I mean “there’s still room to put it here”. The only reason we would ever pull stuff off the wall, transfer the tapes from their transparent boxes into white clamshell cases with the sliced-up cover slipped beneath its clear covering, and exile them to the smaller “genre” shelves that filled the middle of the floor, would be because the latest release to come out simply would take up took much room. That made sense, too: the typical customer’s method of picking a film on a Friday night would be to wander up and down the new release wall. Eventually, they’d either stumble across something interesting they hadn’t noticed before, or they got especially lucky, and an employee with armload of just-returned stuff would appear (the feeling of being this particular employee, tailed while trying to put manage a stack of videos that could exceed three feet in height, was akin to being a dying coyote in the desert, complete with hungry vultures circling overhead). The genre shelves, meanwhile, were always loaded with bottom-of-the-barrel features (mostly Roger Corman and Troma movies) that came from buyouts of smaller stores, which was Mr. Sumon’s preferred method for supplying a store with its opening “seed” inventory.

Security was tighter in VW stores than anything I had seen before, and in 1990 was probably second only to banks. There were several factors that played into this… like I said, just about everything in the store had a retail value of close to $100. Along with this, weekend evenings were a constant flow of money changing hands, up to $3,000 on a good night, nearly all in cash – credit card and check transactions for less than $5 were the exception rather than the norm.

The store had one-way front doors, and the standard security “gates” that customers would have to pass through on the way out. Every tape had a thin metal tape strip affixed to it that would set off the alarm. It usually got attached to the inside of the plastic door that flips up to expose the actual videotape underneath. We also had security cameras, which were more for show than anything else. As far as I know, the footage wasn’t recorded, and the monitor (conspicuously placed behind the counter so all customers could see that we were watching) only rotated between views of the four or five low-res, black-and-white cameras at a time. It really wasn’t much of a security measure, evidenced by the fact that we’d often find torn-off security strips hidden in various corners around the store.

There was also a silent alarm, unremarkable beige buttons on the underside of the checkout counter that would directly summon the police. They were fairly new when I started working there, and more than a few times I was told the story of how Dave had them installed without informing anyone, and every shift that first day set them off by messing with them, wondering what they were. Again, they weren’t of much use, since they were set high enough to not be triggered accidentally, but you’d have reach up almost to chest level and across the width of the counter to set them off – clearly not something you’d want to do while facing an assailant.

In any event, the worst criminal activity we had at the Plymouth VW wasn’t even a robbery. It was a woman who came in and rented every copy of Super Mario Brothers 3 (at that time – and still -- the biggest-selling Nintendo game ever), under the pretext of taking them to a birthday party where the kids were having a videogame competition, with multiple NESes hooked up to multiple TVs. I was there when she checked them out, and thus was one of the folks the police had questions for. They even brought a photo lineup, asking us to pick out from five mugshots who the woman was. I failed to pick the right one.

There wasn’t really much we could do about scams like this… back then, all you had to provide to rent videos was an in-state driver’s license or state ID, phone number, and a credit card. Once you wrote it on a card, we’d hand you a card, and later on type your info into our computer system. If you walked out the door with hundreds in merchandise, and had given us fake information, we quickly reached the limits of what we could do. And of course, that’s exactly what this woman had done. Our sign-up policy was a calculated risk to get people renting as quickly and conveniently as possible, and there were so many honest customers that they far outweighed the bad.

A little aside on video security… the whole point of videotape was that it was recordable by just about every VCR (that’s what the “R” is for, right?), so it was amusing to see some of the various methods companies had to keep their movies from being copied. The “Macrovision” method was supposed to somehow have copies made from tapes equipped with it devolve into nothing but fuzz, or periodically go black-and-white, announcing to all viewers that it was an illegal copy. Disney was the most creative, though… they were particularly at risk because they had the habit (and still do) of making their films available only for a limited time, revolving through their library every seven years or so. This had the effect of making their videos even more valuable than usual while they were on moratorium. Disney, clearly afraid that people could disassemble their tapes and swap out the reels, instituted a new type of screw to hold the cassettes together, one that resembled a Phillips head, but only had three notches instead of four, in a triangular arrangement. I have no idea what the screwdriver that went with them would look like, but I do know that it made fixing the tapes impossible… with a Phillips and some Scotch tape, you could fix just about any mechanical problem a tape came back with (if it was a problem with the tape itself, though, you were pretty screwed).

I enjoyed my first stint at VW, but it only lasted until the end of the school year. At that point, I needed something full-time, and such a small store wasn’t able to accommodate that. So I moved on… but two years later, I called Dave back to see if he needed summer help. He certainly did: he had moved on to manage a much larger store that had just opened in a prominent location on the corner of Huron Parkway and Washtenaw. This large store, which took up the entire short end of an L-shaped strip mall, would be where I would spend most of my VW tenure.

Strangely enough, after Dave hired me, I don’t remember him sticking around for long. (My vague recollection tells me that he found a better opportunity in the video rental industry in Niagara Falls, NY, but some years later committed suicide – I assume his decision wasn’t related to the downfall of the industry, since it happened years before the video store apex was passed.) From there, the reins passed to the management team of Kim and Darlene.

I liked Kim as a manager. She understood that this wasn’t the end-all, be-all of jobs for any of us, and tried not to take it too seriously. Darlene the assistant manager, however, was much more of a stickler. It kind of made sense. She, after all, had a higher position to aspire to. Because there was no way to get promoted above manager in the company (all the executive positions being filled by Ray and his brothers), Kim had adopted a much more whatever-works attitude.

A good example of this was during one of our monthly staff meetings (since just about everyone was part-time and the store was open 14 hours a day, it was tough getting everyone together all at once). We’d been having a rash of instances where videos would be returned, but when we scanned the barcode to check them in, it would say that it was already “in store”. Meaning it hadn’t been checked out to the customer in the first place. And since none of the cash drawers had been having significant overages, that meant that someone was only pretending to check customers’ videos out and pocketing the money.

Kim brought this issue up at the meeting, and Darlene was quick to jump in and state that research could be done to figure out who it was that was doing it, so it had better stop. I couldn’t figure out what she meant… it was no secret that this had been going on for a few weeks, and I had been thinking about what a clever scheme it was. The customer was none the wiser, and if they kept the video out extra days but didn’t get charged a late fee, they’d be happy. True, your cash register wouldn’t pop open until after you had completed a transaction, but all you had to do was not fully close the drawer on a legitimate transaction, and you could just pull it open for the next one. Someone in a managerial position could even pop it open manually with a key. And as near as I could figure, there was no way to track who was doing it. No record was being kept, after all – that was the point of the whole deception.

When I heard Darlene state that she had a way to find out who was doing it, I started asking questions about how that would work. Not because I was trying to prove her wrong, I was just genuinely curious about the procedure. She got more and more flustered as I kept asking questions, and finally said that she wasn’t about to tell how they’d get to the bottom of it, because then whoever it was would know how to avoid getting caught. I don’t think any of us really believed that there was a way the perpetrator could be caught, because they probably would have been accused already if there was. Kim was strangely silent through the exchange, so I think the idea of putting fear into everyone was solely Darlene’s idea.

Looking back on it now, I feel badly for Kim. She had a young son at the time, and I’m sure the crazy hours necessary for being a video store manager must have been stressful for her family. Sad to say, I certainly didn’t help in that matter… I often dropped availability changes on Kim right after she put out the next week’s schedule, and not because I didn’t know my own conflicts. I was just horrible at keeping track of upcoming Friars and Glee Club commitments, seemingly unable to project a week and a half into the future, which was what she needed.

In addition to a manager and an assistant, there was always a secondary assistant, a sort of assistant-manager-in-training. I suppose this person was meant to replace the real assistant manager when they got promoted to run some other store. While I can’t remember the exact chain of command, we had three or four of these in-training folks. My favorite was Roy, a tall, thin, well-mannered guy with wire-rimmed glasses who looked like he would be wearing the standard VW uniform even if he didn’t need to (in case you were wondering, light blue button-down shirt, blue slacks, ties for the in-training managers and up – even for the women). That wasn’t to say he was straight-laced, though. When we would have our monthly overnight inventory, he would be the first to show his break dancing moves on the small area of linoleum we had in front of the checkout desks. He loved to talk movies too, which was something that put us in sync. He had plans of being a filmmaker, which I also did at the time, but he seemed to be a little further ahead than me… he asked me at one point if I would be willing to dye my long hair bright red, so that I could play a villain in a movie he planned to make. He never said anything else about it, but I always hoped that I would get a call from him.

The monthly overnight inventories I just mentioned were something that I definitely didn’t look forward to… about every other month you’d be called up to participate. I know a lot of the other employees looked at it as a way to socialize all night, but I just wanted to get it done and over with. As soon as the doors were locked for the night, we’d have to get out pushcarts and miles of extension cords so that we could put our work computers (with handheld scanners and keyboards) on them and wheel them up and down the aisles, scanning every single tape in the store. If you were lucky, you were sent to work on the new release wall, where the scanner just might read the barcode through the clear plastic box. If you were relegated to the genre sections, though, that meant going through, opening every clamshell box, then scanning the barcode and closing them back up again (no one ever seemed to think of a way to put each video’s barcode on the outside of the box, where it could be easily scanned). Mix in the fact that there was so little shelf space in the overcrowded genre sections that sometimes half the videos had to be turned spine-out, and you can see how laborious it was. Clamshells weren’t really designed for repetitive handling, either. By the time you were done opening all the boxes, the pads of your fingers were scratched up, not to mention dirty from the months of dust on the boxes (did I mention that hardly anyone ever rented from the genre sections?)

I soon discovered that it was easier for me to just type in the six-digit code below the barcode than to try to maneuver the laser scanner around. So I’d use my left hand to prop open the boxes enough to see the barcode, then type it in on the computer’s keypad with my right. I was actually good enough at this that I didn’t have to look at the keypad, so I could even read the codes off the bottom shelf and type above my head while I closed them up again.

Unfortunately, as Ayn Rand taught us, if you figure out how to do a crappy job efficiently, you’re really just making sure that you’re always the one who has to do it. So I would often be helming a computer cart all by myself for hours at a time while others stood around, drinking Mountain Dew and deciding what videos to play on our multiple overheard screens (thanks to Kim, Garth Brooks Live will always remind me of staying up all night tapping out six-digit numbers).

Once the inventory was done, most of management’s role the following week would be taking the exception printout (that is, everything that was supposed to be in the store but didn’t get scanned) and checking the shelves to see if they could find them. I was always surprised that a significant portion of these were items weren’t ones that I typed in incorrectly, but since I never heard a complaint and I was asked month after month to cover the genre aisles, I must have done a halfway decent job.

The old trope about video stores attracting bizarre characters isn’t always true, but I tell ya, when it is… One of my most memorable fellow employees was named Rick, a short, stocky guy. He had a weird dichotomy about him… while there was nothing remarkable about his appearance, he had a definite punk rock feel about him, but was strangely reserved in other ways, such as making a point of never watching any movie that had a gun on the video cover, He did have a tolerance level for things that most people would be squeamish about, though, as I found out one time when he was late for work. Kim called him and he claimed he hadn’t come in because he couldn’t get a ride. Since I had a car, Kim had me go pick him up at his house in Ypsi. I found him there, casually making and eating a spaghetti dinner while watching a bootleg concert video of punk legend G.G. Allin… and in case you don’t know who G.G. Allin was, let me just say that I’m torn between telling you what his stage shows usually consisted of, and suggesting that you Google him, because then you might actually end up *seeing* some of it. Rick was the kind of guy who would use the word “aesthete” in conversation, but then show up with his head, formerly crowned with longish hair, totally clean-shaven. Never could figure that guy out.

As I mentioned before, the mystery of the pocketed money was eventually solved, and with it came the exit of another of our assistant managers-in-training, the second of the strangest characters I met on the job. I honestly can’t remember his name, but for purposes here, let’s call him Steve. Apart from having the strangely cartoony facial features of a Guy Fawkes mask, Steve was the kind of guy who talked a lot. I mean, a *lot*, in a Verbal Kint kind of way. To the point where, after a while, you started to question if anything he had ever said were true. Let’s assume that all the fantastical stories he told was true. If so, his life history had gone something like this: he went to college in New York City in the mid-80’s, studying film. There, he had the good fortune to befriend a relative of Robert de Niro, who he managed to get to appear in his final student film project. At the same time, he managed a video store in Manhattan, and the claim to fame of this particular store was that then-leading-man Eric Roberts would frequent it when he was working in town, dragging along his gawky little sister Julia. The reason Steve decided to give up his budding career (and the insider connections he clearly had) in New York and move to Michigan was unclear.

I got to hear a lot of these stories because I ended up doing a lot of two-person day shifts with him during the summer of 1993. Around one o’clock on most of these days, he would hand me ten bucks and ask if I’d run up the road to Arby’s or Subway and get lunch for him. “Oh yeah, and get something for yourself too,” he’d say nonchalantly, as if it was my fee for running down the road. I was more than happy to do it, and I have to admit, even when Darlene brought up the fact that someone was stealing from the registers, it never entered into my head that Steve might have been the one doing it, making me an accomplice in the process. It wasn’t after he was fired that I put the pieces together. To his credit, though, he never mentioned my name.

On the whole, I really enjoyed a lot of those times. There were some genuinely good people there who I enjoyed working with: David, another of the managers-in-training; Davi, a Native American who lent me a copy of In the Spirit of Crazy Horse (which I hate to admit I never read); Kristen, a nice but quiet girl whose face was so puffy that it looked like she was perpetually being hung upside down; Damon, who I really liked until he admitted -- on the day I left to work at another store -- that he had stolen my lunch a few months before, something I had been fuming about (I mean, in a workplace with only ten to fifteen people, what kind of person would *do* that?) I also remember a man named Antjuan (pronounced “Antoine” but spelled like “Juan” plus an insect); I also remember running back to the windows to watch the annular eclipse in the spring of 1994, an event that I was the only one in the store excited about.

I also saw a lot of great movies, but what really left an impression on me were the miniseries I would work my way through on breaks. The first one I watched was Ken Burns’ The Civil War (which was fascinating), and then moved on to Roots – both the original and Next Generations. I remember it took an awfully long time, because I only watched for fifteen minutes per shift. When James Earl Jones (playing Alex Haley) finally heard an African griot mention the name Kunta Kinte and realized that he had tracked his family back to the tragic event that had really made him who he was, it felt like I was finishing an epic journey, too.

In the late summer of 1994, I got a surprise promotion. Even though I had never been a manager-in-training, I was asked to become the assistant manager of another VW store, this one in the Gault Village shopping center in Ypsilanti. It was one of the oldest stores in the chain, and wasn’t one of the better kept-up ones, but it did solid business… along with bad weather, low income was another bellwether that a video store would do good business, since you could entertain a family for the better part of an evening for $3. A substantial raise went along with the change, and although it added a dozen miles to my commute and my car was junky but reliable, I took the job.

My manager at the new store was a young woman named Kabian – by way of explanation, she said her parents were hippies. She was stick-thin, with a slight mustache and crazily wild black hair. Nice person, but not the greatest manager, for reasons that became apparent later on. She was great at scheduling and making sure her employees were happy, but she would also pull tricks like leaving at 3 in the afternoon when I got there for the evening shift, then calling two hours later and saying that she had “forgotten” to punch out, and would I clock her out? She swore she’d correct for the overtime manually.

The store itself was like the shopping center it resided in… past its prime, but stable and holding itself together. We never had a shortage of customers, and there were few packs of roving kids that would come by during the schoolless days. One group that came by regularly was exceedingly polite: they’d bring up cartoons or PG-rated movies from the shelves and ask if I could please play them on the overhead monitors so they could sit and watch for a while. As long as they didn’t mess around and there weren’t a lot of other customers in the store, I let them.

The assistant-in-training at Gault Village was Amber, and she clearly was gunning to be a manager someday. She didn’t seem to hold a grudge that I got the job over her; I did have a year and a half seniority with the company, so apparently it didn’t bother her. But she was known to show up early and stay late if we were busy. It was great having her as a part of the team, and now that I was on the management side it gave me a deeper appreciation for reliable, dedicated employees.

And we had those in spades at Gault Village… it seems that while the rest of the chain seemed to regard us as the seedy outlier in the chain, its employees dedicated themselves wholeheartedly. There was Diana, the middle-aged VW veteran who had been working for the chain since the beginning, but never aspired to management, instead preferring to work the registers and talk to customers; Glenda, the young mom who was working to supplement her household income for her three sons; Peter, who was physically odd (despite the fact that both his parents were surgeons, he had hands looked and moved like Mickey Mouse gloves) but loved calling delinquent customers and asking them to return long-overdue videos, thus endearing himself to everyone else on the staff who didn’t want that particular job; and Nick, the hip college student who loved movies as much as I did and had a laid-back style that I consciously tried to emulate when dealing with problem customers.

I never did learn what the store had been before it was a VW, but its unusually large back area made it an important location… aside from multi-stall bathrooms that must have been public in one of the store’s previous incarnations, there was also a large conference room that became the location of the quarterly managers’ meeting, where everyone would gather to touch base with at least one of the Sumon brothers (though never Ray himself). While it was easy to forget on a day-to-day basis that anything other than your own store existed, these meetings really made me aware of how the whole chain worked as a whole.

The next few months went by quickly. Summer blazed outside (mostly because the Gault Village parking lot had been recently blacktopped), and a kind of cool predictability settled in. I became comfortable with scheduling, counting down drawers, driving to the bank for daily deposits, even dealing with irritable customers. Summer slid into fall, and when the day came that I had worked my last shift I didn’t even know it was happening.

One Friday evening in November, I worked the day shift as usual and went home. Nick, who by that time had shown enough promise to become a second manager-in-training, was handling the close. Shortly before midnight, while Nick was in the back office counting down the second-to-last drawer and the store was empty of customers, two men entered the store armed with shotguns. The first thing they did was to approach the employee checking in videos by the front door and smack her across the face with the butt of one of the guns, knocking her down. Fortunately, she either couldn’t or wouldn’t get up, and the second employee on the front desk was quick to act on their men’s request to get the manager up front.

Nick acted completely cool under pressure. He complied with everything the men said, emptying out the remaining register. They marched him into the back office (and here I’m fuzzy on whether or not they made him put a wastebasket over his head so he couldn’t study their faces), took the money from the drawer he had been working on, and told him to open the safe. Kabian and I were the only ones who had the combination, though. He basically told them that he was sorry, he’d be more than happy to open it if he had the combination, but he just didn’t. It must have been Nick’s calm demeanor that convinced them he was telling the truth, and they left without inflicting any more damage.

I got news of the robbery just as Amy and I were preparing to go to bed, and it was like a punch in the stomach. Until that moment, I had assumed that I was going to continue working for the company, and didn’t have any kind of exit strategy in place. Amy and I had just gotten married during the summer, we were planning from our friend’s place into our own apartment, and our lives had just found a comfortable pattern. But this news kept us up half the night talking. We were torn between my loyalty to my friends and co-workers, and the realization that Gault Village was the lone store open until midnight in a somewhat remote shopping center, and the possibility that armed violence could happen again was frighteningly real. At the end of it, after going through nightmare scenarios where I had been working that night, or the thieves hadn’t believed Nick was unable to open the safe and shot him, or even that the men demand that Nick call me to get me to come open the safe, I decided I just couldn’t put myself at risk like that. There were much safer jobs out there.

I called Kabian and told her that I couldn’t take the shift the next morning that I had been scheduled for. I needed time, I said, and made sure that they understood I was still trying to decide whether I could continue working there at all. A manager from another store picked up my morning shift, and the following day I came in to talk to Kabian and Nick, letting them know how conflicted I was but that I couldn’t continue to work there. They seemed to understand how hard it was for me to walk away. Since I was a newlywed, I think they could get where my mind was at when I finally made the decision.

Strangely enough, I was the only employee that left. Even the woman who had been hit in the face continued to work. And here, I learned after some reflection, was the difference in work ethics, which I probably applies to all jobs… at the Ann Arbor stores, employees saved their primary focus on other things they were involved in: school, better jobs, etc. Not that they weren’t good workers, but the job was never their number one priority. It certainly wasn’t for me. It was a means to an end, something to draw money and free movies from that wasn’t too mentally or physically demanding while pursuing something else. At Gault Village, employees came from a stratum of society where the job was the end in itself, and their pride in doing it well was appropriately escalated. They weren’t “also” doing anything else. This was how they supported their family, what filled their days and occupied their minds. They made themselves a part of it, and appreciated how good and reliable a company it was to work for. In the end, I think that how much I had come to be one of them was what made it so hard for me to leave, even knowing that my personal safety was at risk.

And so my time as a participant in the video rental industry came to an end. I continued to be a patron of Video Watch, even when they were eventually bought out by Hollywood Video. (As a side note, Ray Sumon took the $50-60 million he got from selling VW to Hollywood Video and moved to South Florida, where he started a new chain of about thirty stores, called Video Avenue and sometimes Video Street. It looks like he did this because it was the only state where he could legally own a video store per the terms of his buyout. He, once again, he sold them to Hollywood Video. One has to wonder if that had been his plan all along). I held out going to Blockbuster as long as I could, still not liking their censorship policies, and had switched over to Netflix by the turn of the century.

And so, what my original employer Dave couldn’t imagine came to pass… the video rental store got shelved right next to other obsolete entertainments as record stores, soda fountains, nickel arcades and Farrell’s ice cream parlors. As I’ve been writing down most of what I can remember about it, I’ve realized that it covered a significant period of my life, too… when I first started working at Video Watch, I was just starting school at the University of Michigan, and by the time it ended, I was married and my wife and I were just about to move into our first real home together. And let’s not forget that it was my decision to quit VW that led to my starting another job, this time in the returns warehouse of a little book retailer known as Borders…

Monday, June 11, 2012

How to Live Forever

We've all heard it said before, and it usually comes from the mouth of someone who has had a close brush with death: "Live every day as if it were your last." I have to admit, that thought has never really made much sense to me. Really, if today were my last day, I would have blown off work and gone to the zoo with my family, taken a walk in the woods behind my house, played with my daughter on the living room floor, and gone out to the most expensive, romantic dinner I could envision with the woman I love. But the thought of doing something like that every day is just impractical. If we all did it, civilization as a whole would just come to a stop.

As I've gotten older, I have come understand the sentiment behind it... it's really about being present, and not focusing on trivial things that could get between you and people that you love. It’s about being active, not indefinitely putting things off when you could be working toward them. But a few months ago on a night I couldn't sleep well, I suddenly came up with an improved version of this thought, and ironically, what I it turned out to be sounds like the exact opposite of the original:

Live like you're going to live forever.

It sounds silly on the surface, but let me walk you through it... contemplate how you would see life if you knew that you were going to live forever. Imagine that science has found a way to extend life, more specifically, *your* life. Healthwise, they can roll you back to approximately your physical prime, and that's how you'll be. A thousand years from now, you'll still be kicking around, not elderly and sick, but in general feeling pretty good. You've got all this time ahead of you, eon upon eon... now, what are you going to do with it?

Take your family, first of all. You're going to start seeing them from a unique vantage point. You'll see them and their lives for the flashes of glory, victors over adversity, and ultimate transcendence that all humans embody. We are ephemeral things, burning brightly and then gone, and you'll be reminded every day how precious the time you have with them is. With this in mind, I think you’ll spend that time much more thoughtfully.

Speaking of spending, I like to think that we’d all be a little more fiscally responsible, knowing that we have to live with the long-term ramifications of our financial decisions. I know, we don’t take it lightly now, but there are different things to consider about taking out a hefty loan when you’re eighty and when you’re thirty, right?

Something else you won't take for granted is the world around you. No longer will you be able to throw your plastic garbage in a landfill and not think about how long it's going to be sitting there, as endless tons more are heaped on top of it. The custodial care of the world will be more than just the next generations' problem, but yours personally, and you'll be sure to act like it.

Then there's the question of what you want to do with your life. Think about this: given enough time, what would you attempt to do? How many things are there that you just don't attempt because they're too involved, would take too long to begin, or you feel that you're too old to start? With the mindset of having an unlimited amount of life, you’d take even the most outrageous dream and set it into motion, even if it’s only the smallest of beginning steps.

From day to day, we tend to get caught up in short-term solutions. We pick the easiest route when it comes to work and relationships, sometimes without realizing when it becomes permanent. We turn around, and we find that years have gone by with no change, no growth. We’re not really to blame for this. Our world and society is constructed around a constant barrage of short-range questions: What’s going on *now*? What progress is being made *now*? Very rarely are we encouraged to think about anything other than what’s on the plate immediately in front of us. I heard someone say recently that in business, people are valued for traits that would be classified as OCD if they occurred outside the workplace. This disconnect makes it harder to balance our professional and personal lives than it needs to be.

Paradoxically, I find that constant appraisal just leads to lots of stuff being proposed and nothing concrete and long-standing being done. We’re more likely to come off better by proposing something new than by saying that we’re still working on an old idea, taking the time to execute it correctly. But, ideally, isn’t that the way it should be done? We should be perfecting and refining, instead of constantly turning over the soil to find something new and shiny. That’s the difference between finding spare change with a metal detector and digging a gold mine. If we were to live like we were going to live forever, we would find our rewards by focusing on the long game. Instead of the day-by-day accountability and flashiness of new ideas, we’d be much more likely to search for what really works and perfect it.

This translates to societies as well as individuals, where the potential rewards are even more pronounced. The Roman Empire built roads that are still in use today, two thousand years later. And how? By doing them right, putting down three feet of stone and rocks to make sure they endured. They really believed that their society would exist forever, and the fact that it didn’t is kind of moot. By acting as if it would, they gave us some of the most enduring architectural wonders and physical infrastructure the world has.

This is what happens when you act personally responsible for the future. The truly great ideas rise to the top, and the rest is left behind, without fooling us by looking fashionable or profitable in the short term. I think if we all stopped acting as if today were all we have – and there are people, including world leaders, who think that we’re literally in the End Times, a socially irresponsible position to hold – we’d set events in motion that might not benefit ourselves, or our children, but generations down the millennia.

Monday, May 14, 2012

What I Learned from Unemployment

Well, it’s finally over. After six months, I’ve finally got another job! It’s been a long haul. As I’m sure anyone who’s been in this situation will tell you, it’s the uncertainty that’s the worst part. By the time the Borders.com skeleton crew finally disbanded in October, only one other person on the team didn’t have another job lined up already. Some of them actually left early to travel across the country to their new jobs.

Now that it's all over, and I can look back on that unbroken stretch of not working, what did it teach me? What do I march back into the workforce understanding that I didn't before? Well, it's really something that I was conscious of at the time, while it was happening, but I couldn't really acknowledge at the time. While unemployment has the veneer of an extended vacation, you can’t enjoy it the same way, because there's always a gnawing at your insides, knowing that there's this big blank of a future out in front of you. It’s a fog that you might come to the end of tomorrow, or maybe not for years. No matter how much you do to find a new job over the course of a given day, you go to sleep every night with the dead certainty that you didn't do enough, or didn't do the right things. There was a website you didn't visit, a person who you didn't talk to, a connection you didn't make. And you know it's true, because you still don't have a job.

If you can put that out of your mind (like I could at times), the experience can really be pleasant. Once you get over the thought that you should have something to do, somewhere in particular to go, you just sort of drift through the days. It’s a luxury that most of had as kids, and it’s nice to visit it again for a little while. And because I have a three-year-old daughter, even “empty” days were always full... I had to give up the dream that I was going to have these huge tracts of time where I would finally get back into the groove of writing every day, or time to read all the books, or catch up on all the movies and TV shows that are on my ongoing list. After a while, I decided that I was just going to use the time, as long or short as it might be, to enjoy being with my family all day, every day.

And like I said, now that it's over, I can look back at it with fondness. But like I’ve also said, when you have no job, every day is tinged with the thought that you should be doing something else. They really were good times, too. I was able to take my daughter to preschool for most of her first year, to wake her up in the morning and dance with her, which is always the first thing she wants to do, even if she's still sleepy enough that her extent of effort was slumping against my shoulder. And there were "date afternoons", where my wife and I would drop Lily off at my parents and have a few hours to relax at home, or times we would stay up late watching TV and talking. There were no limits other than what we put on them.

Now that I'm back to a daily schedule, I'm feeling the tug of wishing I were still there. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the opportunity and the money (by the way, I give endless credit to my wife for making it easy sometimes to forget that I was only pulling in less than half my Borders salary in unemployment). But now that I know how it all turned out, that I found something else and everything is going to be fine, I miss being with them. Knowing that I'm going to get home most evenings and have only a few hours when we can all be together is hard.

But there's always the weekends, and I have to keep telling myself that while I worked at Borders, I was fine with that arrangement. The adjustment period will end, and we'll all get used to the new normal, just as we did back in October when I suddenly had nowhere to go every weekday. The next chapter has begun, and it's up to me to make the best I can of it. But I think I will, and sooner than I would otherwise, because in those six months I've relearned what it is that I'm really working for.