Wednesday, May 26, 2010

My Top Ten Movies - Comedy

Movies are the hub around which all American pop culture rotates. It seems that the life of no creative work is complete until it becomes a feature film. Even something like The Da Vinci Code, which it seems everyone must own a copy of in hardcover, didn’t fully enter the American collective consciousness until it starred Tom Hanks and was presented in Dolby Surround Sound. Even television, which for a long time seemed to be the nemesis of cinema, has adapted itself to the medium, so that now many series have story arcs that develop over the course of the entire series, effectively making them more like long movies than individual, stand-alone chapters.

It’s no surprise, really. Movies, more than any other medium, are the most adaptable in terms of the experience. They’re of a length that, while feeling like a long time to become enfolded in a story, also don’t take up your entire evening. They’re just as enjoyable as a night out as they are as a night on the couch. And most of all, they can be either a communal experience, or can be enjoyed in total solitude.

There’s really no parallel to the thrill a movie can provide. Books, music, television, or any other storytelling medium you can think of, all have their unique way of peeling up the corners of your psyche and digging themselves in, but movies seem to be able to do it better than any other. Case in point: a certain member of my family had a few rough years of childhood, having seen both Psycho and Jaws at nearly the same time, and subsequently not wanting to not be involved with bathing in any way. I, myself, remember the 100 minutes I spent transfixed by the slowly-dawning horror of The Wicker Man, and how I watched and rewatched the deathbed dictation scene in Amadeus, which in my opinion contains the finest acting of the decade. My favorite moment, though, was the collective gasp of the crowd both times we saw the alien mothership rising up above Devil’s Tower at the end of Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

Everyone has their own personal moments, but if you were to lay anyone’s particular set out on a table, you’d have a very accurate cross-section of who they are, what they like and dislike, what really gets their mind churning. To that end, I offer you forty-five of mine…

First up, comedy. Ah, comedy. Is there anything better than sitting down to a favorite film, knowing ahead of time that it’s going to be hilarious? I propose that there is not. In compiling this list, I began to realize just how few films there are that comedically get to me time and time again, but within that group there’s a lot of diversity. Here they are (as of June 2006, at least), and I hope to prove that comedy has more to offer to us than just the chance to laugh.



1. What’s Up, Doc? (1972)

Pound for pound, this is the most entertaining comedy I’ve ever seen, hands down. There’s something for everyone in this movie, highbrow, lowbrow, and everywhere in between. The plot, brilliantly scripted by Buck Henry, David Newman, and Robert Benton, is far too convoluted (not to mention silly) to recap here, but it’s pretty incidental anyway. Basically, a series of identical overnight bags get switched between residents of a San Francisco hotel, leading to an endless and dazzling array of mistaken identities, ludicrous slapstick, lightning-fast wordplay, and the sheer joy of watching actors who obviously love what they’re doing. Since those actors include Barbra Streisand, Ryan O’Neal, Kenneth Mars, Madeline Kahn, and Austin Pendleton, you can imagine how much fun that is. In fact, I believe this would probably be one of the most quotable films in cinematic history, if only the dialogue didn’t go blurring by at a sometimes disorienting speed…

“I know I’m different, but from now on I’m going to try to be the same.”

"The same as what?”

”The same as people who aren’t different.”


“Good morning!”

“No… I don’t think so.”


“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” (this line, of course, is spoken by Ryan O’Neal)


“Who are you?”

“I am Hugh!”

“You are me?”

… I could go on. For a long time. Seriously, if you’ve ever heard me deliver a deadpan line, or mutter an offhand comment under my breath, this is where I learned it.

I hold it in such high regard that I found myself turning to it on a day when I needed a laugh more than ever. On September 11, 2001, Amy and I spent the day like everyone else, watching the endless loop of destruction on the news, not knowing if the horrors of that day were a mere prelude to something even worse. I had come home early from work, and I was literally afraid to stop watching television, half-convinced I was seeing the very fabric of civilization collapsing around us. As the afternoon and evening passed, my eyes started to glaze over, and I began to realize that I wouldn’t be able to go to bed without some sort of resolution.

And that’s where What’s Up, Doc? did its magic. Amy and I watched the whole thing before going to bed that night, and I’ve never known a time when a film was more precisely what I needed at the time I saw it. The ludicrousness of the story and the characters were the perfect antidote to the entire day, and I went to bed, not with a feeling of contentment, but at least the assurance that the sun would come up the next morning.



2. My Favorite Year (1982)

Another function that comedy performs in our lives is to how important it is to believe in something, even if it seems ridiculous or trivial, or doesn’t even hold up to what it promises to be when you look at it up close.

Like heroes, for instance. There’s a kind of unwritten pact that we enter into with those that we look up to… they’ll continue to be the shining beacon of what we want them (and, by extension, ourselves) to be, and they allow us believe that's who they really are. But what if you came face-to-face with your ultimate hero, only to find that he’s an unapologetic drunk, and incredibly flawed in just about every way? That’s the dilemma that Mark Linn-Baker faces in this 1982 classic.

Mark plays Benjy Stone, a junior writer for the most popular live sketch comedy show in 1950’s Manhattan. He’s living every kid’s dream, hanging around "30 Rock" with genuinely funny people all day and being paid for it. When Benjy’s all-time favorite action hero, Alan Swann, is scheduled to be that week’s guest star, he’s almost beside himself. That is, until Swann shows up, in the form of Peter O’Toole, slurring and stumbling through a role that seems tailor-made for him and his off-screen bad boy image. (King Richard the Lionhearted? Lawrence of Arabia? They came later. This is how I was introduced to Sir Peter.)

Benjy continues to defend Swann’s loutishness, until he’s the only one who believe that there’s still a “silly goddamn hero” hiding somewhere inside the disappointing boor. And when that hero finally comes out in the movie’s final scene, I defy you not to start grinning from ear to ear, pretty much the way I have each of the twenty-plus times I’ve seen this movie.

What continues to strike me about this film is how jam-packed it is with great bits going on around the periphery. Often the funniest person on screen isn’t the one delivering the punchline. Of course, when you load your ensemble with Mr. Linn-Baker, Joseph Bologna, Adolph Green, and Lainie Kazan (at a mere forty years old, already well entrenched in the embarassing-ethnic-mother role she would continue to play her entire career), you’re already halfway there.

Here’s an interesting note…

I never realized, until I listened to the DVD commentary by director Richard Benjamin, that it boasts the longest single sustained special effect in film history. Seriously! It’s the 45-second shot of Peter O’Toole and Mark Linn-Baker walking and talking through 1950’s Manhattan, and the matte painting that flawlessly fills in the skyline above them the entire time.

But the heart of the film strikes deep into my own personal philosophy, which is that wholeheartedly believing in something makes it true, in a very fundamental sense, and it’s Benjy’s faith in his childhood hero that ultimately forces Alan Swann to become, well, Alan Swann.


3. The Music Man (1962)

I’ve known many a musical in my day (if you need proof, see my Musical Influences list), but this is one of the best translations from stage to screen there has ever been. It really was a bridge for me, firmly connecting the theatrical world that my parents raised me in and the realm of movies that I would move into on my own. Usually, works for the stage have to be “opened up” when it’s time to make a movie of them, adding locations so that the whole thing doesn’t come off as feeling “stagy”. This version of Meredith Willson’s show, however, uses its acute sense of place to create the illusion of a real Iowa town in the 1920’s, to the point where it appears almost tactile. River City, Iowa, is right up there with Ray Bradbury’s Greentown, Illinois as the collecting place of all American nostalgia, a warm, welcoming place that brings to life the world as you thought it was when you were five years old.

This idyll is turned sociologically inside-out when a con artist comes to town, taking everyone’s money under the pretense of being a music teacher selling instruments and band uniforms as insulation against pool-hall sin. As with musicals like this one, the stakes are never all that high, even if the characters themselves think they are. You can just settle back in your chair and enjoy all the comings and goings, the petty political intrigue and innocent romances. It must have been an anachronism even when it first came out, and it's all the more charming for it.

Robert Preston plays the con man, and Shirley Jones is the stuffy piano teacher who knows his story doesn’t ring true from the very start. In a word, they’re perfect. You would never guess that Preston had originated this role on Broadway, his reactions and timing are so fresh, and Ms. Jones, who always seemed more at home to me here than the lurid 60’s of her Partridge Family fame, is so radiant she probably lit some of the scenes herself. Actually, that could be due to the fact that she was pregnant through the entire shoot – see how her costumes become more and more billowy as time goes on? Man, these DVD commentaries really are something!

The film never suffers from the over-long syndrome that many musicals fall prey to, even when Buddy Hackett goes off on a tangent and leads an entire dance number about the virtues of prudent women. It’s also one that should be definitely seen in widescreen, since that’s the only way you can get all four Buffalo Bills on screen at the same time.

When Amy’s grandmother passed away in 1992, she had already asked that “Goodnight My Someone” be played at her funeral, and the honor fell to me to play it, accompanying the singing of one of the theater friends of her son Alex. It was incredibly difficult to get through… it’s simultaneously one of the saddest and most hopeful songs I know, full of both hope and tragic acceptance at the same time.



4. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

I’ve been a fan of Michel Gondry ever since I saw his mind-bending music videos (like Kylie Minogue’s “Come Into My World” - YouTube it and we'll compare notes on how we think it was done), so it was practically a given that I would enjoy his feature films. What I didn’t expect was a story so beautifully nuanced and emotionally elegant as this.

Before I go on, let me say that I have mixed feelings about the computer-generated revolution in special effects. While it allows us to see things that would be impossible with bluescreen or miniatures alone, it’s given the most fantastic sights a casualness that I’m not entirely comfortable with. I guess it’s raised the bar in terms of how special effects are used, rather than the fact that’s they’re present at all. I’ve never seen CG effects used in a more purposeful and elegant way than Spielberg’s sci-fi movies (AI, Minority Report, War of the Worlds), but in the hands of lesser filmmakers they can be just as soulless as, say, bad stop-motion animation. The beauty of M. Gondry’s work, however, is that the effects are never obvious or front-and-center. They still have playfulness to them, that tinge of “how-did-he-do-that?” uncertainty which today’s seamless CG work tends to render moot. But in a Gondry film, the effects merely play around the periphery, framing but never detracting from the human interactions.

Take, for example, the scene in the middle of Eternal Sunshine, where Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet, as boyfriend and girlfriend, are having an intense conversation in a bookstore. As they talk and argue about their relationship, the color starts bleaching from the books on the shelves behind them, one by one, until they’re standing amid entire shelves of white-on-white books. And why is this happening? Because we’re in a flashback… Jim is having his memory professionally erased to make him forget all about Kate, since their relationship did end, and end badly. The catch, however, and the hinge that the entire plot turns on, is that partway through the erasing procedure, Jim decides he doesn’t want to forget the relationship after all, and tries to find obscure memories to hide his thoughts of Kate in, so he’ll still remember her when the procedure is over.

It’s a testament to Gondry’s artfulness that this incredibly abstract plot is so cohesive and emotionally real on the screen, even amid all the digital trickery, and the final scene is one of the most tragic, and simultaneously uplifting, ones that I’ve ever seen. And it does it without any special effects at all.



5. Wet Hot American Summer (2001)

It takes a lot for a new comedy to break into my top ten list. It’s not that I’m one of those people who think that today’s comedy is nothing but gags involving sex and feces. Believe me, I can enjoy a good poo joke just as much as the next guy. But the truth is that comedy is hard to sustain over ninety or a hundred minutes. There’s got to be a living, beating heart under all the goofy reaction shots and pie-throwing, or ultimately is just doesn’t hang together.

Along with a DVD commentary track featuring the director and some of the cast, WHAS has an audio track that is identical to the original film, except that there are additional man-made farting sounds every time a character makes a sudden move. If that doesn’t sound like a completely brilliant idea to you, then you probably shouldn’t bother watching the film itself. Actually, the same goes for a character having a can of vegetables as a spiritual guru, a group of nerdy kids saving their summer camp from a falling Skylab, or a heartfelt rendition of “Day By Day” from Godspell being soundly booed at a talent show.

Still with me? Then we have much to discuss.

WHAS takes every convention from the American summer camp/sex comedy genre and twists it until it almost snaps. And that’s about as elaborate as the plot gets. But when the cast consists of alumni of defunct comic ensemble The State (Michael Showalter, Michael Ian Black, director David Wain), as well as Paul Rudd, Janeane Garofalo, David Hyde Pierce, and Amy Poehler, you shouldn’t be watching for the subtle intricacies of the story line.

This is one of the few films that have made me laugh so hard that I’ve ended up sweating.



6. Monty Python & the Holy Grail (1975)

My school theater program did several workshops with Detroit’s eminent troupe Theater Grottesco during my high school years. Malcolm Tulip, one of Grottesco’s founding members and an Englishman, once nearly flew into a rage when someone mentioned Monty Python. He said that he hated them, loathed them in fact.

“Why do you hate them so much?” we asked him.

“Because every bloody American thinks they can do them!” he replied.

And, to some degree, he was right. Just about every adolescent in this country recites entire Python routines, all in the same horrible approximation of a British accent. But where Malcolm saw it as bad impersonations, in actuality it’s done out of sheer admiration. In fact, I believe that every high school kid, in some way, needs to experience the six men that compromise that classic comedy troupe.

At first, in the late 60’s, Python became an unwitting example of the American counter-culture through their TV show "Monty Python's Flying Circus", and the way they gleefully tore down every convention they could get their hands on. By the time I got around to them in the late 80’s, however, they had come to be something a little more universal. They embodied everything that was out-of-bounds as far as comedy was concerned, pushing their way out into uncharted territory. They seemed to be totally unconcerned with whether what they were doing was particularly funny or not (in fact, I think they have about a 50-50 funny-to-unfunny-ideas ratio); instead, they simply wanted to do something that was “out there”, something that had never been done before. And in going for the ludicrous, they expanded all our minds in the definition of what could be comsidered funny.

For many of us, they were an essential part of not only our development as pop-culture consumers, but of our own senses of humor. They taught us that if handled properly, nothing is completely out of bounds. And coming themselves from a culture that prides itself on its steadfastness, it drives the point home even further.

As for the movie itself… King Arthur tops a fog-shrouded hill, skipping along in front of his manservant, who is clacking two coconut halves together to mimic the sound of a trotting horse. When the pair approach a castle, the unseen guards enter into a heated discussion with them about exactly how a person would go about getting a coconut in medieval England. And that’s just the first three minutes of this epic about rabbits of both the lethal and Trojan variety, Holy Grail-shaped beacons, sorcerers named Tim, knights whose sole desire to own a shrubbery, and a head-spinning variety of every self-referential sort of joke you can think of. The film doesn’t play by anyone’s rules, even committing the most cardinal sin of not bothering to have an ending.

This is one of those films that I’m positive will be just as hilarious and influential in the twenty-fifth century as it has been in the twentieth.



7. Just Friends (2005)

I’ll come right out and say it: I saw this movie for the first time only two days before I put this list together. Ergo, this movie might not make the cut when I get around to updating this list. But I laughed out loud so many times while watching this that I just had to include it.

There’s a fine art to comedic timing, especially pertaining to physical humor. I remember reading that the great Warner Brothers animator Chuck Jones experimented tirelessly with making the process of Wile E. Coyote falling off a cliff as funny as possible. He finally determined the perfect amount of time between the moment when the falling Wile E. disappears from sight and the thud-and-dust-cloud when he hits bottom: 17 frames. Not 16, or 15, but 17. That’s an adjustment of 1/24th of a second. That’s how exact comedic timing it. And how ineffable; you either have it or you don’t. Just Friends hits that elusive mark with a higher percentage that any film I’ve seen in a long time.

In it, Ryan Reynolds plays a big-shot L.A. record executive who is only now realizing how shallow his life really is. He thinks often of his hometown on the East Coast, and his best friend in high school (Amy Smart), who he never admitted his true feelings for. So when he’s forced to make an emergency stopover in that hometown en route to a Christmas in Paris with a bubbleheaded pop star (Anna Faris), he sees the chance to confess his love and set his life back on the course it should have taken.

There’s an inordinate amount of physical comedy and visual humor here, so much so that it seems like the entire film should fall apart as sight gag after sight gag plays out, but strangely enough, it doesn’t. Even when events border on the ridiculously implausible, it’s all done with such a sense of comedic tautness that it sometimes looks like a ballet is being performed. There isn’t anyone who can pull a deadpan reaction like Ryan Reynolds, and Anna Faris proves that she’s more than just the straight-woman from the Scary Movie movies by adapting a stream-of-caffeinated-consciousness persona as the embodiment of all pop vapidity.

But best of all is Roger Kumble’s direction, which beautifully orchestrates every sight gag to perfection, never lingering when a jump cut is funnier. One of my favorite running gags in the film is the way Reynolds’ character and his little brother mercilessly – and matter-of-factly – beat on each other at every opportunity, and how that brutality is gradually revealed to be the ultimate expression of brotherly affection. It’s one of the many ways this film demonstrates a real soul under its goofy, hell-bent mania.



8. Ed Wood (1994)

I’ve never really been a fan of director Ed Wood’s incompetent brand of filmmaking. It’s amusing, of course, to watch Plan 9 from Outer Space and marvel at the torturous, labored twists of the plot that eventually adds up to nothing, or even contradicting itself, and the endlessly looped footage of Bela Lugosi walking around (the only footage completed before the veteran star died). But what I never appreciated was the determination it took to make films like Atomic Bride or Spider Baby until I saw this film, one of the many collaborations between director Tim Burton and star Johnny Depp.

The film, in large part based on the life of the real Ed Wood, follows him through the high and low points of his career. Ed has a lot to deal with… from his own leanings toward transvestitism, to his strange friendship with the aging, morphine-addled Lugosi, to trying to find new and novel ways to raise money for his increasingly boneheaded ideas for films. That’s the part that works best in this film, because Depp makes clear in portraying Ed Wood exactly what one must remember when watching his films… the man loved making them. He loved everything about the process, from hammering out an idea on an Underwood typewriter, to getting his friends to take starring roles, no matter how inept at acting they were, to piecing everything together in the editing room.

The film’s climax comes on opening night of Plan 9, and the excitement that Ed and his band of friends feel as the lights go down and the crowd starts cheering is amazingly visceral. You even stay with Ed as he keeps watching the screen, smiling even as the cheers turn into boos and swirling storms of hurled popcorn. The look on Depp’s face tells you everything; he made the film for himself, and loves it no matter what anyone else thinks. This man believed he was talented, believed that just about any special effect could be fudged with stock footage, believed that he was making important films that would stand the test of time. He was right on at least that last point, and by the time the movie’s over, you’ll swear that you could make one too.

One of my favorite scenes is late in the film, when Wood happens to run into a world-weary Orson Welles, and the two commiserate about the harsh realities of the film business. Think about it: if everyone believed in themselves as much as Ed Wood did, and put their faith in the magic of their own creativity, what kind of world would this be?



9. Garden State (2004)

When it came time to do the write-up for all these choice pieces of pop culture I’ve selected, I had to think about specific reasons why I like each of them so much. And frankly, at first I wondered why I put Garden State, both the writing and directing debut of “Scrubs” star Zach Braff, in the Comedy category. On the surface, it seems like it shouldn’t belong there. But I instinctively listed it right along with my other laugh-out-loud favorites, and I had to ask myself why. The film is basically about a young man (played by Braff himself), coming home after the death of his mother, and follows the way in which he deals with his emotionally distant father, at the same time trying to find a way to find his life’s center after it’s been thrown as far off track as it can be.

What I finally came up with, after thinking about the film, is while the core of the story is tragic, there are bright glimmers all around the edges, the brightest of which is the character played by Natalie Portman, a girl who at first seems to be nothing but a bare construct of quirks, but eventually reveals the complex, conflicted character underneath. She’s really the antithesis of Braff’s character, who is nothing but a ball of angst to begin with. Watching the two of them circle around their attraction for each other, learning by fits and starts how to prop each other up and balance each other out, is nothing short of inspiring.

It doesn’t sound particularly funny, does it? But whether you consider Garden State to be a comedy or not probably hinges on how you consider life itself. In and around the inherent sadness of the film, there’s a warmth and beauty to even the most offhand images and dialogue that’s missing from a lot of “feel-good” films. Even when the characters seem hopelessly lost, there’s never a second’s doubt that they'll find their way back. At least, that’s how it made me feel, and if that’s the feeling you take away from this film, you’ll understand why it’s in this category. But if you find yourself returning to returning to the darker parts, the excruciating break-up scene at the end, or the bizarre idea of a bottomless pit out in the middle of the New Jersey wilderness, then you’ll probably believe that this film, like life itself, can only be considered a drama.



10. Raising Arizona (1987)

There was a time when I studied film, and my eye necessarily turned to the more technical aspects of the art form. During that period, the idea of telling a good story took a backseat to being innovative with camera angles, special effects, and whatever other forms of gonzo trickery the filmmaker could throw at me. It was during this time that I got into the films of Orson Welles, Sam Raimi (the Evil Dead films in particular), and the Coen brothers.

While most people probably prefer Fargo as the best of Joel and Ethan’s work, for me it’s this babynapping-gone-wrong story. Where Fargo has a bitter undercurrent that powers every character except the valiant sheriff Marge, everyone in Raising Arizona just wants to be happy. Even if their values are skewed enough to believe that robbery and kidnapping are required to meet those ends, their hearts are always yearning toward the right place. That attitude is probably the only way the plot could be viewed as comedic: Holly Hunter and not-yet-self-parodic Nicolas Cage are a mismatched couple (a police officer and a barely reformed ex-con, respectively), who fulfill their ardent wish to be parents by stealing one of the richest quintuplets in the state. See what I mean? They only steal the child of someone who has plenty to spare! Their attempts at evading the law are complicated by the bumbling “help” of two of Nic’s escaped inmate friends, and the constant pursuit of a burly, bestial bounty hunter who seems to have otherworldly tracking abilities.

No one can pull off a visual joke quite like the Coens, and that’s even more impressive once you find how equally adept they are at comedic dialogue. Here’s a sample of their style, set in a general store:

“Do you sell balloons?”

“Yup.”

“Do they come in funny shapes?”

“Nope. Less’n you think round’s funny.”

The comedy is all deadpan, and all of it works. You can easily forgive the usual strange inconsistencies and unexplained bits of Coen brothers movies, which I find especially tantalizing. For example, why does Nicolas have a tattoo identical to one the bounty hunter has? Are they long-lost brothers? Two halves of some fractured psyche? I’ve never found anyone who could explain that to me. And maybe I don’t want to.

Many of those films I saw during those college years, full of whip-pans, extreme zooms, and interminable Steadicam shots, have fallen by the wayside, but it turns out that there’s much more going on in this one. Through all the dubious moral decisions and weirdness, there’s a lively spirit that never fails to bring a smile to my face.



Honorable Mention – Colin Higgins

In 1981, my family began subscribing to HBO, and it was a real turning point in my film education, or at least as much of one that a kid of ten really needs. All of a sudden, movies were readily available every day, dispensed as easily as potato chips, without commercials or any other distractions. I had the pleasure of being introduced to films I’d never see otherwise (and, truthfully, some I never bothered to see again). Not only that, but I had the chance to see them over and over AND OVER, to make my first attempts to study them and figure out why they did or didn't work.

I never realized it at the time, but during those halcyon years between our first month of receiving HBO to our purchase of a VCR (about four years, as far as I can remember), my eyeballs were infused with the work of one filmmaker more than any other… Colin Higgins.

Who the hell? you’re probably asking, as did I when I recently realized the connection (thanks to the almighty IMDB). But aside from writing the classic Harold and Maude, for which he's best known, this guy must have had some kind of Faustian pact with HBO. There’s a short list of about a dozen films I’ve seen more than any others, simply because they’d run almost every other day, and no less than three of my top (technically, I should say “most frequent”) ten were written or directed by Mr Higgins. I know nothing about him, but I know that those three films (the Goldie Hawn/Chevy Chase thriller-comedy Foul Play, the Gene Wilder/Richard Pryor thriller-comedy Silver Streak, and the Lily Tomlin/Jane Fonda/Dolly Parton office comedy Nine to Five) all were the result of this one man, who I still know nothing about. But I couldn’t complete this section without giving a little tribute to this unsung hero of HBO-children everywhere, whether they know it or not. Mr. Higgins, I salute you.

And beware of the dwarf.

OCEAN-SIZED (1996)

We went to the roller coaster first. We bought the tickets at the small booth next to its massive, wooden bulk. Three tickets, at fifty cents apiece, to get on. It was late, getting on toward ten-thirty, and the midway would shut down strictly at eleven. Already the crowds were gone, only a few stragglers together, young couples holding hands, a few with children, bleary-eyed but still excited by all the racing lights and music.

There was no line on the wood ramps leading up to the coaster. My brother walked a bit ahead of me, leading me toward the first amusement ride I had taken in three years. Because we like to think of ourselves as coaster connoisseurs, we sat the in last car, back seat. Any coaster fan will tell you that the ride is bumpiest back there, and cresting the top of the first hill at full speed in a completely different ride than the front.

I suppose if, at the top of the first hill, as the chain clacked like laughter and dragged us in diabolical lurches up to the sign that read DO NOT STAND UP, I had turned my head to the right, I would have seen it. Maybe I would have been distracted, for one brief second forgotten that I was about to go from high above the earth to ground level in about two seconds. As it was, I was hanging onto the bar, reacting the way I always did at the top of a coaster hill, in that breathless instant before gravity has its way with you, my mind racing, no, I’m not ready yet, give me a second to brace myself! But that was it. We swooped over the crest with unbelievable momentum, and the timbers rattled as did my teeth and we were down on the ground, trying to breathe while that momentum was already dragging us up the next hill. My brother let out a whoop, and I grinned, having missed that sounds, remembering it from back when a yearly pilgrimage to Cedar point was a given. Now, three thousand miles way and several years older, I was reintroduced to it.

Soon we were both yelling, the only people on the coaster save for a couple at the front. Our yells rang out as we dove for the ground a dozen times, each time saved by the arc of the gently curving track, cunningly designed to leave us suspended a fraction of an inch above our seats for the shortest second as we barreled over the top of each hill. All too soon it was over, and my brother told me there was one more thing that he wanted to show me before we left.

He led me away from the entrance where his car was parked, between the rows of buildings, which in the beginning were penny arcades and attractions, now surf shops and arcades twenty-five times more expensive. Down a narrow but well-lit area next to an indoor Olympic-sized pool, where little speakers playing string quartets popped up out of the underbrush like weeds.

We broke free from the enclosing buildings and found ourselves on the boardwalk that ran along the ocean. It was hard to see the shore, because of the large sodium-arc globes that ran off in either direction at precise fifty-foot intervals along the planks, but I could hear it, smell it. The ocean mist had settled in early that evening, so I had been denied the view of a bona fide San Diego sunset, but there was something calming about how night had settled, sneaking up in a shroud of gray fog.

I asked my brother where we were going. I saw nothing of interest along the boardwalk, save for the buildings we had just walked through. Everything else had been shut up for the night, lights turned off. “Down here,” he said.

He stepped off the boardwalk, down some concrete steps to the beach. He said something about how he hoped we’d get to see some sand crabs, so I watched my feet as we headed down to where the waves came in. Now I wonder, did he say that just to get me to look down, to not see what we were walking toward? “Here we are,” he said when we had reached the water’s edge. I looked up into an absolute void.

Out in front of us, the black-and-white wave simultaneously rolled out of and slid back into a blackness darker than any I had ever seen. A wide band where the horizon should have been had simply been erased. No stars, no moon. Just and empty space, so empty that I felt there was a black curtain three feet in front of me, blocking out that part of the world. I could have seen it from the coaster, but I was glad I hadn’t.

I thought about it for a second, and it made perfect sense. The haze above us was lit by the boardwalk lights, the sand and waves reflecting the same, but out at eye level, twenty miles straight ahead in the ocean sky, all the boardwalks in the world couldn’t have lit up the air that far out. No light, and nothing for it to bounce back from. No eyes to record it anyway. There was nothing that could have been blacker.

It was almost as if I had been blinded in that one area of me, a Cinemascope-sized chunk taken directly out of my vision. But this wasn’t the kind of darkness that comes from closing your eyes. This was a wonderfully open darkness, where space existed but there was no means of sensing it other than simply knowing it was there. All at once I felt the pull of other times, other people. The first people, who didn’t have the safety of neon and incandescence to return to, who saw that emptiness filling every inch of space around them, the waves calling to them seductively. The men who looked out and saw adventure, who conquered the emptiness by spending entire lives sailing through it on boats made of roller-coaster wood.

My brother and I exchanged a few words to assure each other that we were still there. Then we turned around, still seeing no crabs, no forms of life at all, and headed back through the buildings, now darker, no longer infused with invisible string quartets, and returned to civilization.

TERRAPHOBIA (1996)

When I was young, a child of about ten, I would try to stay up all night on the last day of school, to celebrate the earthly paradise of summer that the dawn would bring. Because I could never physically manage to stay up all night, I assumed that the whole world was that way, that there was a void between midnight and four where absolutely no one was awake, nothing moved. Everything just shut down into a black anti-world for a few hours.

As I grew up, I realized that was never the case, the world was a twenty-four-hour place. But at that moment, inexplicably, I was walking through the imagined starkness of childhood night, pulling my coat tighter about me. It was late, without even a sign of the morning. I tried to keep my balance against the wind, which seemed to blow straight down from above the tops of the skyscrapers that surrounded me on all sides. No clouds that night, so all of the earth’s heat just evaporated out into space.

There was no help around when my lucky 1979 Susan B. decided to jump out of my pocket and make a run for it. NO one but me considered that night a fit one to be out, apparently. The coin skittered along the gutter and slipped down a storm drain with a brief flash of reflected light. So I got down on my hands and knees and stuck my arm down in the gap between the grate and the curb. Just far enough to knock the coin off its ledge. Great.

I tested the grimy plate of metal with my fingers, found it loose. Checking around to make sure that no one was watching, I pulled the heavy grating aside and dropped down into the closet-sized area under the street. The moon tracked a cold white path down one of the walls, making accumulated muck glisten. I retrieved the Susan B. and prepared to climb up, but found no handholds that weren’t covered with some kind of slippery moss.

When I stopped splashing around in order to think of how I could possibly get back to the surface, I started hearing things, echoes from very far away down the system of cobblestone pipes. Just the roar of traffic passing along the river, I figured, and start walking in that direction, fairly certain the passage had much easier ways out than the one I had been attempting.

The farther I got, however, the less the noises sounded like traffic. Whatever it was, it started coming toward me in a strange rhythm, like breakers on the shore, or a half-heard choir practice. There was a warm air flowing past me as well, and was that light ahead? I was nearing the way out, I reasoned, and the wind reverberating endlessly off the slick stone down here could configure into any manner of sounds. I kept going, but I realized I had unconsciously lightened my footsteps, minimizing the splashing sounds. I turned a corner, and finally saw where the light was coming from. My feet stopped moving, my breath refused to leave my throat.

I had heard that in times of either sense deprivation or sense overload, the mind can create any manner of things to justify what it is (or isn’t) seeing. I tell myself this is what happened just then. I felt as if a circuit had blown just behind my eyes, or an air rifle had puffed a cloud of dust into them. I stumbled back around the corner, trying not to choke on my own screams. I staggered back the way I had come, no longer caring how much noise I made.

My fevered brain had too much time to think on the way back to the storm drain. What had been going on in that vast open space beyond the archway? The area had been far too large to actually support the buildings overhead, and the light that shone directly down was not the color or quality of any I had ever seen. And those things down below, on the floor of the chamber! They had somehow resembled men, but their joints were terribly wrong, sprawled as you would expect the victim of a tumble down a long flight of stairs might look. But the joyous, chilling sounds they made! The twisted figures sand and writhed deliriously around the base of a huge obsidian statue, whose features I tried not to recall, and which sat back in some hollowed recess, out of the darkened light.

I found the grate easily enough. I hadn’t changed direction much on my way through the drain. It must have been sheer force of will that made me lift myself back up to the street by my fingertips. I ran blindly, hearing unexplainable things, sounds that I somehow knew had been there all along, if only I had paid attention. The sounds of that rhythmic chanting pulsed up from under every manhole cover, ricocheted off the mirrored face of every buildings, making the city itself creak and groan under its own weight, like an enormous ghost ship.

I finally threw myself down, face first, in a decrepit city park and clung to the unmown grass for dear life. In my broken mind now, absolutely nothing was sure. There was even the distinct possibility that the very earth itself would betray me, flip upside down like a spinning top and throw me off into the empty spaces between the stars.

I tried desperately to drive the one recurring, maddening thought out of my head. Were my overloading eyes simply playing tricks, or, at the last second, had that colossal black statue somehow leaned its shiny, oblong head forward into the light? Had it really inclined its head and peered at me on the ledge, the way a cat turns one predatory eye toward a mousehole? I told myself, over and over and over, that I couldn’t be sure.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Lily Lexicon

My parents have said that the personalities of my brother and I were present, even when we were very small children, and there are many things about us that don't surprise them, given our manner of being and interests back then. So I find myself subconsciously find myself trying to gauge my own daughter this way, trying to find a pattern behind the things she finds fascinating now and extrapolating them into what she might become one day.

If you spend any time with my daughter, you'll notice first and foremost that she's fascinated by numbers, even more so than letters. I haven't done the research to see if that's something that most kids are likely to do or not, but from my limited knowledge it seems to set her apart. Thanks to the work of her mother, primarily, she's already able to recognize numbers and loves calling them out whenever she sees them... in fact, there are many times when she'll call out a number, and it will take both Amy and me several seconds of looking around to see where that number is. But it's always somewhere.

I should also point out that Lily's favorite TV shows are Team Umizoomi (on Nickelodeon, and deals with numbers, patterns, and problem solving) and Deal or No Deal (which has more big, shiny numbers than any other show out there).

Since I started this post intending to put together a list of words that Lily knows, I'll start with the obvious:

wuh = 1 (this is the hardest number for her to recognize, probably because it's just a line)
teoo = 2
fwee = 3
foh = 4 (another one she has some trouble with, I think because there are two commonly-used ways of being written)
FI! = 5 (I capitalize this because always says it loudly... it might be her favorite next to "NY!")
see-see = 6/7 (I think she's a little fuzzy on the difference between the two, or maybe the second "see" is her trying to make the "x" sound of "six" and forgetting about 7 altogether)
ayt = 8
NI! = 9 (like I said... I'm impressed that she can tell the difference between 2,6, and 9 so easily, because when you think about it, written out they're basically the same shape with different orientations
Zeeo = 0 (clearly, she still confuses O's and 0's, but give her time!)
Teh = 10

And she sometimes can get 11 (evah) and even 12 (twe), but sometimes she just singles out one of the numbers or says them individually.

So that's the beginning of the Lily lexicon. Some highlights of other things she knows how to say:

Hi (probably the most commonly used word in all of kid-dom)
Wa = water
Cheeo = Cheerios (her favorite between-meal snack)
Na = banana
Bwee-bwee = blueberry
Gee-bee = green bean (she *loves* these, eats them like candy, can't figure that out)
Chee = cheese
Beh-bee dah = Babydoll (both the kind she carries around with her and the kind in the display cabinet upstairs)
Co = Ice cream cone
Dahg = Dog
Ma = Grandma (either one of my or Amy's mothers)
Pa = Grandpa (my father)
Geh-dee-dee = Granddaddy (Amy's father)
Ovo = oval, the shape she most consistently recognizes

She's just starting to put together phrases and little sentences too.

I go = I want to go (usually repeated a lot when we're getting on our shoes and jackets and packing her bag), which goes hand in hand with...
Ray! = Ready! (as in, I'm ready to go!)
I dow = I want down
I da = I want to dance (when musical numbers come on TV, she likes to be picked up and swung around -- sometimes she'll sing loudly and randomly enough to obliterate the music entirely, other times she just likes watching her shadow move around on the wall)
Wa in eer = Put water in here (she surprised us both by saying this on several occasions while holding up a cup)

And, of course, there are some things she's picked up entirely on her own:

Tee = TV
Dee-uh (or) Dee-wee = Deal (as in "On No Deal", did I mention it's one of her favorite shows?)
Fah = Fox (twice she's gone up to the set during American Idol and pointed to the logo in the corner, completely unprompted)
Voh = Vogue (which she said after hearing the end of Madonna's song of the same name)
Geeo = Geo, one of the characters on Team Umizoomi
Bah = Bot, one of the characters on Team Umizoomi
Mee-ee = Milli, you guessed it, one of the characters on Team Umizoomi

And a few things from Amy's latest copy of Food Network Magazine:
Buh-guh = burger (the latest issue features an awesome-looking hamburger on the front)
Guy-Guy = Guy Fieri, the only person she doesn't see in real life who she consistently recognizes -- what's that about?
Wuhk = Network (she actually recognizes the logo!)

But I can't stress enough how much of her progress in numbers and letters is thanks to Amy, who keeps quizzing her on them. But seeing how naturally Lily has taken to them, I wonder if she'll be an engineer or a mathermatician... whatever it is, even if it's some inclination I don't even recognize yet, I'll look back on this time and say that it's no surprise. None at all.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Dedication

Here's something I wrote for the original We're All Light website... I definitely wanted to make sure it got posted here too...

On Thursday, September 3rd, 1987, I sang for my 11th grade choir tryouts. Ms. Datz, the teacher, had each of us each of us get up in front of the class and sing "My Country Tis of Thee" to the blackboard, so we could avoid the stares of our fellow students and not be too embarassed to sing as strongly as we could. She would make some notes, writing down the student's voice part and range, and then told us to sit down while the next student came up.

When my turn came, my life changed without my even knowing it. As I sang about the "sweet land of liberty", a girl sitting behind me in the second row turned to her friend and said, "Who is that? That's the guy I'm going to marry!"

Less than seven years later, she did.

If it's true that a writer must know love before they can create anything of worth, then Amy is the reason this website even exists at all. Every story I write contains a lesson that she and I learned together... I love her and she is the world (both real and imagined) to me.

She's there in everything I've ever written, and everything I ever will. She's Alchemy sleeping peacefully in the back seat while I drive through the night, Mia resting her head in my lap on the Ferris Wheel, the mysterious woman for whom I give up my life so she can safely swim the tropical oceans, and Elsa waiting at home for me in a world of warmth and comfort.

Her love and support is what keeps me living a life of worth, and I thought that she deserves a page all of her own.

Minutae vs. The Big Picture

Since I started this blog, I've been thinking more about how I want to manage it, what I want it to contain, and I've realized that I'm not just going to be satisfied with reposting all my old stories. I want this to contain something of myself as well, the "me" that lives outside of the stories. But it's a fine line, whether I should spend my time talking about the minutae of my life, or speaking in broad, sweeping strokes that will mean something to everyone, subjects that might even touch on that cobwebbiest of all writing goals, "chronicling the human condition" (cough cough -- sorry, that phrase was even dustier than I thought it was going to be).

The secret, I think, is going to be balance. There's a way of managing the very large and the very small. Because I'm a child of the movies, the idea comes to me in a very specific way, and that's the way Peter Jackson handled his visual style in the Lord of the Rings films -- it's very hard to put your finger on, but he has this way of showing the smallest facial expression and the most epic battle scene with the same clarity, the same visual weight and importance.

So let me start out with something small: I'm writing this on a laptop I received for my 37th birthday. It's still in good condition, except for the A key that's missing -- you actually have to press the little metal pad underneath to create that particular letter (Amy jokes that it's difficult to work with such an "a-hole"). Usually it sits on a table in the living room downstairs during the day, so that everyone in the house can use it, but at night I drag it upstairs to the bedroom where I write. The battery only gets at most 20 minutes of time, so I've brought up the cord as well, and plugged it into the wall behind my nightstand where there are a few stacks of CDs that don't fit into the five CD towers around the room (Who's Next just happens to be on top of the pile).

I'm sitting on my side of the bed, propped up by a pillow, while Amy sleeps on the other side of the bed on my left, and Lily sleeps in a crib several feet to my right. I suppose I could be downstairs, where I could turn on more lights than just my reading lamp, but I like it here. It's quiet (except for a fan that circulates the air and provides white noise) and peaceful, as evidenced by the two sleeping girls on either side of me. I still have about 45 minutes until I go to bed, and directly in front of me on a tall dresser is a television that is connected to a DVR, which is holding several hours of TV that no one else wants to see but me.

And that's where I am right now. I love being here. My family is safe and secure, and I'm writing. Not bad at all.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

PINNACLE (1991)

The graveyard was so choked with weeds that only the tops of the faded ivory tombstones could be seen from the road. Daniel realized that many people passed by without even realizing that others were buried there, that long lives had come to their final resting places just yards away from the dirt road where they walked. He stepped through the gate, also so coated with weeds that the passerby would have missed it, not touching its rusted iron grating for fear it would break. The stones that once held the gate on either side had long since been chipped away by vandals and time, leaving the gate standing with only its iron supports to hold it upright. As he stepped over this threshold, the wind started to pick up, sending greeting waves across the tops of the weeds toward him, as if the ancient ground were bidding him welcome. I have finally come home, he thought.

In the years since he had last visited his father, he had changed much. This could not be said for the graveyard, however. He checked the sun, saw that he had a little more than four hours of light left. The field was completely devoid of trees, so he would receive the full benefit of the light until the sun sank past the horizon; the distant mountain thrusting itself up from the plain was the only obstruction. Out of all the things he missed about the old countryside he had grown up in, the long days were what he remembered most fondly.

He stepped lightly over the ground, being careful not to disturb the slumber of those who rested there alongside his father. He didn’t have to look down through the waist-high foliage to avoid tripping on the lower stones; he remembered their placement like the freckles on his arm. Fondness bred familiarity.

His father’s gravesite was at the very back of the area, where the weeds gave way to more weeds, even thicker than those just inside the boundary. The air, in anticipation of the evening, picked up a momentary chill and presented it to him. He shivered slightly in friendly response, and stood before his father’s grave.

The stone was not the fanciest on the lot, but each groove of the filigreed stone had taken a part of him with it. He still bore the scar that had resulted from a slip of the chisel. He could see the imperfect serif where the accident occurred, remembered the pain with nostalgia instead of anger.

He had carved the monument out of a chunk of living rock he had pulled down from the mountain behind his father’s house. It was strange, he thought, how he always thought of the mountain as having been behind the house, rather that the house resting on the foothills of the mountain. It was as if his father had owned it. The older man had climbed its many faces enough to know its constantly changing dangers and moods.

He read the inscription for the thousandth time: The Son of the Mountain Rests Here. That made him the grandson. The epitaph was of its user’s creation, spoken in one of the times after his father had stated that he had finally become one with the wilderness, part of its infinite machine.

The wind picked up, blew through him easily, cooling the warmth that his body had adapted along with its nervousness about visiting the site again. He let his arms relax, dropped his hands to his sides. He let his head loll back heavily on his neck, closed his eyes. He could feel the sun warming the sensitive skin of his eyelids.

He did not need to speak, or even form his thoughts into cohesive packages. He simply let his emotions come forth, the sorrow and loss the visit had rekindled, mingled with the overwhelming pride he felt to be the son of the man in the ground before him. Thoughts swam in the front of his mind, arranging themselves into swirls of memory, and he let them spin free, free to meet with the spirit of he who had passed on.

His father had always told him that death was not the end, but the end of the beginning. During the course of his education that phrase, which had thoroughly put his mind at ease when he was younger, had become shallower through infinite repetition in the lessons of the various religions of the world. Now, standing before his father’s grave, long since closed, he could feel the truth in himself, as sure as he could feel the path of birds circling in the painless blue sky through his eyelids. The wind ruffled his hair. The only way to defeat death was to let its dark bulk claim you. He somehow longed for the day when he would discover what lay in its echoing depths, to see what his father was now seeing.

He found a shred of doubt in the feelings he was sending forth, and it took him several moments of contemplation to discover its origin. Why had the Son of the Mountain chosen this open field to be buried in? Would it not be more fitting to have himself placed at the foot of the giant he had, by conquering, become the son of?

Then he remember how, years ago, he had found his father’s will while rooting through the cedar closet for the ghost of a half-remembered sweater. He had read it fearfully, noticing the where the old man had chosen to be buried. He had placed it before his father and asked the same question he was asking now. His father had looked out the window, and spoke gruffly at the landscape, even though his voice was clearly directed at his son. “Anyone can conquer a mountain, Daniel. Human ambition has never found a task it couldn’t master. Physical abilities fade, but the ambition stays constant. You will conquer the mountain someday… just as I will.” His gaze had then fixed upon his son. “But to conquer a plain, that’s something else. To understand the blind reasoning behind its flatness, the footsteps of the glaciers that created it, the patterns that are woven by the machinations of nature. Never underestimate them, son. Nature is never something to be fought, but to accept.”

Daniel knew that his father had never relinquished his power to anything, but from the way he had spoken of nature, Daniel knew that this was something altogether different. “There are always things life is best lived without,” his father had said, “disease, hunger, these are things you can resist. But never try to resist the madness of nature, the chaos that rules us on the most basic level. Never take your life for granted, son, or you’ll find yourself pinned down in the basement by a storm, or hear the roof separate from the house in a cyclone, or feel the ground shrug with tremors. Then you will know how fragile you are. How truly fragile.”

He remembered where he was, felt the ground back beneath his feet, and raised his head up straight. He knew that his mind had wandered, but he was sure in knowing that this flow of memories of the lessons his father had taught him, the things that had governed his life ever since he had heard them, were a most fitting gift for the dead.

He turned slowly, savoring the warmth of the sun as it draped across his strong shoulders. He opened his eyes, stared out across the plain that his father now knew every square inch of, and looked back down at the stone. It was exactly the same. He saw chips along the edge, ones that he knew from memory, how the stone had split and fallen under his chisel in the particular way he had hoped it would. He knew the stone. That was the first step. He would soon know the mountain it came from.

He never should have left all those years ago. Circumstances were different then, and with hindsight he saw what he could have done to prevent that final day when he walked away from the mountain, from his father. But would he be here now, he wondered, enjoying the sun and the loved dirt under his feet if he hadn’t left? There were so many question that would never be answered. His father had said, a question that has no answer is just wind. Pay it no mind. He didn’t.

He knelt on the rusty earth, felt the shallow rise of the ground through the well-worn soles of his shoes, the gentle hill formed by the dirt his father’s coffin had displaced. He leaned forward, placing his palms against the ground, pressed his lips to the ground between them. Again, he did not speak.

He knew what had to be done, what task he came here to finish in his father’s stead. He stood, turned toward the giant on the horizon, the one that would steal a whole hour and a half of the day’s sunlight later in the evening, and started walking toward it steadily. He would not slacken his pace until he reached the house.

He cut across the field and the several roads that ran past, making a direct line toward the mountain. He would show that it held no fear for him anymore, no longer could it frighten the little boy who had heard the rumbling and felt the wind shearing down its sides during dark autumn storms. Then he had hidden under his bed, but there was no protection now. Not even any trees to hide behind. The winds had long since claimed them all, and now the slopes stood near-bare, the menace of its granite badly masked by numerous green patches, like an ill-covered skeleton.

He reached the house a little over an hour later, although he had seen it in the distance after a quarter of that time. It grew steadily in his vision, taking up more and more room, and as it filled his eyes it filled his mind, making him feel so much younger. The paint, which had needed refinishing the last time he had been there, had faded to the point of making the house near invisible. Like the graveyard, a person casually strolling by probably would not have seen it. He smiled. Let them not see it. He though, it is important to have some things that can be strictly called one’s own, even though there are out under the sky for everyone to see.

The sun was heading for the southern slope of the mountain, giving no sign that its light was soon to be swallowed up. That was something else that had scared him as a child. When the sun went down on the horizon, it gave warning, changing to deep oranges and reds, bottom-lighting the clouds with pinks and purples like a promise that it would return. When it set behind the mountain, it was just suddenly gone. He was not afraid now, he actually preferred to make the climb in darkness and silence, to prove to the rock that he didn’t need help to scale it.

He passed the house, only glancing once at it as he passed. He could not see past the curtain sin the window, but he didn’t need to. Memory illuminated the entire interior of the structure, laid it wide open like a split orange. He knew every board into he floor, one of which surely still hid underneath it a small parcel with a crude pocketknife in it which had once felt so strong in his hand; not because it was made of wood, but because his father had carved it meticulously. Perhaps he would return for it later. Perhaps not. He did not deceive himself about the dangers the mountain held.

He recalled the views from every window, founded remembering them east. One of the ways he had realized that he was growing up had occurred at one of those window. He had stood in front of it, looking out at the mountain, and then realized that the glass was not tall enough to see the entire view. He had to lean close to the glass and look up, where in his shorter days the low angle had offered him the whole scene from the spot where he stood. That was first of the many wonderful, aching lessons he was taught about growing.

Then there was the porch swing, a crude but sturdy contraption built by his father. From there, you could look down the shallow slope to the village below, its narrow streets busy with the usual bustle of people in the midst of their lives. He enjoyed the atmosphere of the village himself, but found it very comforting sometimes to sit and watch the hundreds of others travel, shop and work in the valley. Sometimes he pretended he was a small god, ruling over his one domain, this tiny village, and loving each member as one of is own children. It took him much time to accept the fact that God offered no protection from the storms, the tremors, the lighting, the funnel clouds that roared by overhead, or if there indeed was a God, he had enough confidence in his creation to let it run with no restraints.

The sun went out before its time. A bank of clouds boiled up from behind the giant stone and blotted it out. So much the better, he thought. It’s really a test now. The ground began to lift under his feet, and he rode it upwards unwaveringly.

The shadow of the clouds fell across him. He chose to see this as a good omen, as the climb would be hard and he needed as much coolness as was available. He reached the point where the grass gave up and let the rock rise unhindered. He slowed a bit, conserving his strength as he had been taught to always do, in times of either physical or emotional stress. He now felt both. He reached up to grab hold of a young sapling, pushing out of a crack in the rock. He used it to haul himself a few feet higher, and then felt the wind.

As in his youth, the faces of the mountain forced it down the sides, so he was now climbing into the breath of the storm. He thought for a moment about going back, but as he steeled himself against the cold, which had become more of a bitter hindrance, he knew he had the determination to make it. This spirit had been bestowed upon him this afternoon by his father’s memory, and there was no way he could turn back.

For ours he climbed, the wind gradually whipping its way through his skin, until his bones were chilled as well. He was nearing the top, and had begun to choose his path very selectively, making sure that there would be more handholds and footholds ahead to continue on. He noted that there was little choice as to the direction he had to climb in, and wondered if this was the same path his father had taken many years before, son following father not in choice, but in the necessity of nature. If so, had his father’s failure been inevitable? Was the mountain truly an impossibility? Perhaps his own failure, too, was unavoidable. The cold worm of doubt began creeping across his mind, and he fought against it from overtaking him more than he fought for his purchase on the mountainside. The holds he searched for on the rock seemed to fade, as if the notches and ledges were slowly being drawn back into the rock. The terrain was becoming perceptibly smoother.

He paused for a moment, let his clothes swarm around him in the wind, trying to get the itch of doubt to pass. But the thought remained: was his path that of free will? Or was it lack of choice in disguise, forcing him onto one particular path? What if his father had simply been wrong? What if his death had not been of his own error, but of the simple fact that there was no way to the top?

His father had taught him of the danger of the game of What If years ago. So many men, great empires, he said, were ruined because of those two words. Madness lay in many directions, but the widest path began with the words What If.

Daniel knew he could not fall prey to it. He was almost to the top, ready to reach for the last handhold, just inches beyond his fingers, and then he saw it. His father’s hat, thrashing about in the wind, pinned tight in a cleft between the rocks. It was faded, torn almost to dust, but he recognized it nonetheless. This was his father’s path.

With new sureness of hands, mind, and feet, he passed the point where his father had failed. Then the ground turned abruptly horizontal against his feet and he was at the top, the whole of Creation spread out below him in all directions, the ceiling of seething storm clouds just above his head.

The view was spectacular. The world was laid out like a dark, completed puzzle beneath him. A raised jutting of rock at the very top was worn smooth by eons of wind and rain, and he sat on top of it regally. After so many years, so many problems solved, he had taken his place between earth and heaven, and drew from the wisdom his father had drawn so deeply upon. That knowledge had no limits, and neither did the night-shrouded world below him. He began to laugh as the first warm raindrops splashed against his cheeks.