Lordy Lordy

I wanted to write some big, important entry for my fortieth birthday. It’s a milestone among milestones, the point where you can’t even kid yourself that you’re probably the youngest person in any given room. This is where I used to think that people went from being regular adults to being “older”. But now that I’m standing on its doorstep, I’m more aware than ever that what’s ahead for me is a part of a continuum, and not a sudden change at all. It reminds me of something my grandmother once said: “Every age has its wonders”.

You see, this isn’t a pivotal birthday in terms of numbers. I’m actually moving into a new chapter of my life. I’m now four weeks into unemployment, after the closing of the company that I’d worked for since my twenties. It’s a true clearing of the decks, a mandatory reboot. I’ve never been a person who believes that they’re defined just by what they do for a living, but I realize that I now have a chance to find something else that I’m good at, something that will tap some kind of inner potential I was never aware of. Whatever it is, I hope I find it soon, because unemployment checks by themselves ain’t gonna cut it.

As much as I mourn the job that was lost, I realize that I’m an extremely lucky guy. I’ve got an amazing support system in a wife who is unfailingly loving, understanding, and stronger than she gives herself credit for. Our relationship is the strongest it’s ever been, and just knowing she’s here makes me feel weirdly invincible. And my daughter is a wonder… every day there’s something she says or a question she asks (among the roughly 4000 she’s asked many times before) that completely catches me off guard, and makes me marvel at how the pieces necessary to form that thought must have come together in such a tiny little brain. They are the beacons, and loves, of my life.

But my good fortune doesn’t just stop there. Surrounding the three of us, we have a network of parents, siblings, relatives, and friends across the nation that care about us and are pulling for us. It’s almost ridiculous (in the best way possible, of course), the amount of love and support that my extended family has among them. That’s not to say that I don’t have moments of weakness. There are times when I feel a tug of despair about my job situation, and yes, there are times when I feel that I’ve lost my rudder, and I can’t say that nightmare scenarios of the worst possible things that could happen never pop into my head. But when I look at my family, both those in my house and out, I know it’s going to be all right.

The more I think about it, shouldn’t we all be forced to go through something like this every decade or so? To shake up everything that’s set and established (at least mentally), so you can take stock, jettison everything that isn’t making you happy and remind you of everything that already does? In doing so, I’m finding myself having free space for new opportunities and experiences to present themselves. I’m sure that the reason people don’t take more chances -- why they can get stuck in ruts that last their entire lives -- is because they don’t see how they can fit anything else into the existing structure of their lives, which is full of things they hold onto because of habit, or for a feeling of security.

So what becomes of the people who don’t give themselves the chance to reinvent themselves, or don’t take it when it comes? They’re the people who do the same thing every day until they retire, and then quietly pass away a few weeks later. They’ve turned what they do every day into who they are, and that’s the biggest danger of all. Because none of us are summarized by our jobs, or even our hobbies. We are what we love, whether anyone but us knows what that is or not. Everything else is incidental.

What I love is writing. I’ve always known that, but I’ve never been able to figure out a way to make it more a part of my life (ie. getting paid to do it). And my discipline has been lax. There was a period of time when I sat down every day and produced something, and I got a novel out of it. That’s the place I want to get back to, and now that I’m home all the time, I have more of a chance to work the creative muscles, get them back into shape, into a routine that maybe I can maintain once I get a new job.

So that’s my goal. Besides that and finding a new job, I have one other: to enjoy the extra time I get to spend time at home with the two women who make me want to make all the other parts of my life work the best way I can. They’re the ones who impel me to do everything else on the days I don’t feel like even doing it for myself.

So I’ve really been given my fortieth birthday present early. I’ve been handed the chance to take a look at every facet of my life and strip it down to the essentials so it can grow again. I’m convinced that if I do this, I’ll find the wonders of this new age that my grandmother talked about.