Taking Control

The strength of humans is our ability to see patterns. Not only can we recognize them, we feel compelled to find them, to discover the reasons behind the reasons that every facet of life works the way it does. We even see patterns when they’re not really there. In some cases we’ve been extraordinarily successful. We understand enough about the natural world to harness electricity to light up and connect the world, and we use the properties of gravity to build enormous structures that stagger the imagination. We even manipulate the very atoms that surround us to make our world safer, more pleasant to look at, easier for us to live in.

But what we don’t really understand is ourselves. We’ve spent more time examining “the human condition” than probably any other subject. People, as a whole, are so flawed and seemingly unpredictable, that we want to know why it is that we do everything we do. There have got to be rules, we think, shouldn’t there? And I think I’ve stumbled upon something that might lead us in the right direction.

The idea started to coalesce after my daughter was born. As a baby, at first she couldn’t do much. Everything she did, everywhere she went, was dictated by her parents. Once she started being able to move around and grab things, I noticed that she would often try for the biggest object she could reach for, regardless of what it was. And if she could get it to make some kind of noise, so much the better. I realized that the object itself was largely irrelevant. What she wanted was the effect: the noise, the change she could create in her environment.

She wanted to have control over something, because she didn’t have control over anything else. And the thing is, I don’t believe that changes as we get older.

In this light, life appears to be mostly about levels of control: what we control in our lives, what we feel comfortable in allowing others to control for us, and what we choose not to exercise control over at all. One of the biggest paradoxes of life is why people do things that are physically and emotionally dangerous. Many people go out of their way, and against all logic, to put themselves in horrible situations that they have been in before. And this idea, the one of control, explains it. A person who jumps out of an airplane does so only when they’re convinced they have control over how fast – or slow --they hit the ground. A person who was abused as a child is more likely to be an adult abuser themselves, because it’s the only way (at least in their minds) to take back the power – the control – that they lost. They might not even be consciously aware of why they’re doing it.

Hoarders? They have a heightened level of need for control, and look to do it by hanging onto every possession, no matter how trivial. Gossips? They want to control information, and maybe the opinions of others while they’re at it. People-pleasers? They seek to influence how people think, in particular about them. And, as always, the pendulum swings the other way too. Substance addicts are all about losing control, not being responsible for a while. It’s a very seductive level of existence. After all, more people than not use some kind of mind-altering substance to “unwind” or “blow off steam” on a regular basis. Not to mention that there are plenty of high-power executives who have such responsibility in their professional lives that they will gladly pay someone to take all semblance of control away from them during their off hours.

Then there’s the third option: deciding not to attempt to assign control at all. I’ve been told repeatedly by my wife, family, and friends that I have the ability to recognize things that I have no control over, and not give them a second thought. They seem to think that this is a good trait to have, since it decreases my overall level of stress. I tend not to fret over politics, overseas strife, and “the future” in general. I’d agree with them, it if weren’t for the assumption that goes along with this… that I’m a good judge of what things I can affect, and what I can’t. I’m sure that there are whole rafts of things that never cross my mind because I can’t imagine that anything I do will change them, and I doubt there are any people who have changed the course of history who thought that way.

Of course, what I’m describing are extremes, but don’t all of us have this attribute, even if it’s in smaller degrees? It’s only a problem when one particular need for control – or need for the lack of control – becomes the main motivation behind most of your daily actions. That’s when your ability to function in society becomes impaired.

Help me figure out if this theory holds water. Take a moment to think about all the things you feel you must do during the day, and the things you’re perfectly comfortable with letting someone else do. Somewhere along the line, you’ve decided that some issues need your direct control, and others can be left to someone else, or be ignored altogether. Are there any obvious holes in this?

Lordy Lordy

I wanted to write some big, important entry for my fortieth birthday. It’s a milestone among milestones, the point where you can’t even kid yourself that you’re probably the youngest person in any given room. This is where I used to think that people went from being regular adults to being “older”. But now that I’m standing on its doorstep, I’m more aware than ever that what’s ahead for me is a part of a continuum, and not a sudden change at all. It reminds me of something my grandmother once said: “Every age has its wonders”.

You see, this isn’t a pivotal birthday in terms of numbers. I’m actually moving into a new chapter of my life. I’m now four weeks into unemployment, after the closing of the company that I’d worked for since my twenties. It’s a true clearing of the decks, a mandatory reboot. I’ve never been a person who believes that they’re defined just by what they do for a living, but I realize that I now have a chance to find something else that I’m good at, something that will tap some kind of inner potential I was never aware of. Whatever it is, I hope I find it soon, because unemployment checks by themselves ain’t gonna cut it.

As much as I mourn the job that was lost, I realize that I’m an extremely lucky guy. I’ve got an amazing support system in a wife who is unfailingly loving, understanding, and stronger than she gives herself credit for. Our relationship is the strongest it’s ever been, and just knowing she’s here makes me feel weirdly invincible. And my daughter is a wonder… every day there’s something she says or a question she asks (among the roughly 4000 she’s asked many times before) that completely catches me off guard, and makes me marvel at how the pieces necessary to form that thought must have come together in such a tiny little brain. They are the beacons, and loves, of my life.

But my good fortune doesn’t just stop there. Surrounding the three of us, we have a network of parents, siblings, relatives, and friends across the nation that care about us and are pulling for us. It’s almost ridiculous (in the best way possible, of course), the amount of love and support that my extended family has among them. That’s not to say that I don’t have moments of weakness. There are times when I feel a tug of despair about my job situation, and yes, there are times when I feel that I’ve lost my rudder, and I can’t say that nightmare scenarios of the worst possible things that could happen never pop into my head. But when I look at my family, both those in my house and out, I know it’s going to be all right.

The more I think about it, shouldn’t we all be forced to go through something like this every decade or so? To shake up everything that’s set and established (at least mentally), so you can take stock, jettison everything that isn’t making you happy and remind you of everything that already does? In doing so, I’m finding myself having free space for new opportunities and experiences to present themselves. I’m sure that the reason people don’t take more chances -- why they can get stuck in ruts that last their entire lives -- is because they don’t see how they can fit anything else into the existing structure of their lives, which is full of things they hold onto because of habit, or for a feeling of security.

So what becomes of the people who don’t give themselves the chance to reinvent themselves, or don’t take it when it comes? They’re the people who do the same thing every day until they retire, and then quietly pass away a few weeks later. They’ve turned what they do every day into who they are, and that’s the biggest danger of all. Because none of us are summarized by our jobs, or even our hobbies. We are what we love, whether anyone but us knows what that is or not. Everything else is incidental.

What I love is writing. I’ve always known that, but I’ve never been able to figure out a way to make it more a part of my life (ie. getting paid to do it). And my discipline has been lax. There was a period of time when I sat down every day and produced something, and I got a novel out of it. That’s the place I want to get back to, and now that I’m home all the time, I have more of a chance to work the creative muscles, get them back into shape, into a routine that maybe I can maintain once I get a new job.

So that’s my goal. Besides that and finding a new job, I have one other: to enjoy the extra time I get to spend time at home with the two women who make me want to make all the other parts of my life work the best way I can. They’re the ones who impel me to do everything else on the days I don’t feel like even doing it for myself.

So I’ve really been given my fortieth birthday present early. I’ve been handed the chance to take a look at every facet of my life and strip it down to the essentials so it can grow again. I’m convinced that if I do this, I’ll find the wonders of this new age that my grandmother talked about.