All those years of work, undone because I underestimated the sentimentality a father always has for his son… not that I would know first-hand about any of that (at least, not in a way I’m ever going to admit to anyone). I never had the time for a conventional family, simply because I was setting my sights higher. You see, I wanted the entire Galaxy to be my children. I wanted to be the stern Godhead that everyone needed, but no one else was stepping up to become. And like all good fathers, I would keep my children in line with an iron fist. But some kids just won’t respect you because they’re told to, so the only way to get through to them is by a show of force... so to speak.
Forty years I was working on this plan… and I was so close to completing it! If I remember the Death Star blueprints correctly, this is quite a deep shaft, so I guess I have a little time left to marvel at my own cunning. People seem to forget that I, almost singlehandedly, overturned an entire Galactic government! The easiest part was becoming Chancellor. Valorum was easy enough to unseat… it just took some intricate and well-placed deals with the Trade Federation and the banking clans (which in themselves took years to weave) before I could get enough systems to lose faith in him, and then I swooped in to take over. How they all trusted me!
The Jedi were a much bigger problem. I always knew they would be the biggest obstacle. An independent police force, with thousands of years of history and respect. How would one even attempt to discredit and depose them? Well, it became clear very early on that the only way to do it was to get rid of every last one! That would have to be the penultimate step toward my goal… but I also realized that it would take a significant portion of an army even to assassinate one Jedi. My mind went into action, moving on to the next rational step… it would have to happen all at once, so that none of them had any warning. Not only that, but it would have to be done by the most massive galactic army ever assembled! I would have to spread them out, and then literally stab them all in the back simultaneously.
So I had established that I needed a massive supply of trained manpower. But what could I possibly do to justify such an action? Could I push the Jedi into a position where the galaxy would turn against them on its own? Unfortunately, the answer was no. I couldn’t come up with a single idea that seemed even remotely plausible. Ah, but then… How well I remember the moment when the idea clicked and fell into place! I was brooding over this plan that seemed like it was never going to get off the ground, and then a question suddenly occurred to me: What if, instead of being the targets, the Jedi were the *leaders* of this army I was cooking up? That would at least put them in close proximity to the weapons that would slay them. And if I played it correctly, I could even weaken their psyches before I dealt the death blow.
You see, up until that point, the Jedi had ruled through wisdom, fairness, and benevolence (ick). By definition, they’re not warriors. But I could force them to become so! I’d put them in charge of my yet-to-be-determined army; turn them from teachers into fighters. And if this war I was whipping up actually encompassed the entire galaxy, they’d be thinned out, separated. Who knows? My “noble cause” could even require their presence in such great numbers that they would be forced to elevate their younger members to the level of generals, so that war would become all they knew as full-fledged Jedi. I would turn the order against the very things it stood for!
Still, I wasn't going to underestimate them. Doing all these things would only weaken them, but I wasn't kidding myself about how many soldiers it would take to deal the final blow. There was only two words I could think of that could carry out such a synchronized mutiny: droid army! They can't be bargained or reasoned with, and won't think twice before shooting someone in the back. But Jedi would never lead a droid army against any living beings, no matter how evil they were.
Living beings, yes, but what if it were another droid army? A good idea, but I had to take a moment to assess. I still didn't have a "noble cause", and now I needed not one, but two massive droid armies. I have admit, this is where I almost gave up. Anyone else would have. But did I stop when my plan suddenly required a doubling of effort? No! Hey, I've taken over a galaxy and coordinated the building of two Death Stars. I'm nothing if not a great project manager.
I couldn’t just create two droid armies fighting against each other. That would be ridiculous. Who would care? That's when I realized that what I needed was the human element. I needed clones. Lots of clones to support the Jedi side of the battle. It was a necessary ten-year delay in my plot, but it couldn't have been done any other way. They were real live beings, but could be sneakily programmed, loyal until I was ready to strike. My plan kept getting more and more complicated, but more and more insidious as well (sorry for the pun, but I’m about to die, so what the hell).
The Jedi fell for that like a bag of spanners... all I had to do was place the clone order under a false name, drop a few hints, and lead that idiot Kenobi right into "discovering" the clone army, just in time to use them against the encroaching droids! Did he really not realize how convenient the timing of that was?
Then pieces just fell into place. All I had to do was introduce a few Separatist plants -- every one under my thumb, of course -- in control of a droid army, and I had a fully prefabricated war. I let the scenario play out as long as necessary, and then excuted Order 66.
And what fun it was to hear the reports of the Jedi falling everywhere! I wish I could have been everywhere at once, when the clones suddenly turned around and opened fire on their former masters. I tried so hard to pretend to be horrified, devastated. But inside I was turning cartwheels. In a matter of minutes, my decree had effectively flipped how the galaxy worked… clone armies became stormtroopers, the separatists were suddenly a negligible alliance of rebels, Republic became Empire. The benevolent Chancellor was suddenly an Emperor to be feared and heeded!
And do you see how cleverly I planned it? My enemy, the Jedi, had already expertly removed every tie I had back to the Separatists, and all other Dark Side practitioners – Dooku, Grievous, Maul. By the time the Jedi Scourge was over, only he and I stood on the dark side, and Kenobi and Yoda on the other (if only I had known that at the time!) And that was how it stayed for almost twenty years, just long enough for that cursed young Skywalker kid to grow up and learn about his past.
Which brings me to where I am now. I’m not going to answer the question of whether I created Anakin myself out of pure midchlorians the way Darth Plagueis theorized, but I will say that I never guessed he would have killed me when I tried to destroy his son. At least I know I pumped him full of enough lightning that there’s no way he can survive -– I’d rather leave one last good Jedi alive than to run the risk of Anakin turning back...
And here's where the Force exerts its glorious, beautifully symmetrical nature again. By effectively killing Vader in my last moments, I am ultimately the one balancing the Force, the one the ancient prophecy told about! Because I have one final surprise waiting for the young Luke out there. He will soon find out that there are two Jedi left -- one light, one dark -- himself and Mara, my Hand, who even now waits nearby, ready to pounce.
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